Flawed Part II: A Double Life
by Brindabella
Summary: COMPLETE! As Nick and Jen struggle to start their much longed for family, Jen is surprised by an unexpected visitor. Meanwhile Nick is handed an opportunity he is not sure he should accept. Please read and REVIEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
1. Chapter 1

This is the beginning of part 2 of Flawed, so I hope you have all read all 17 chapters of Part 1! Enjoy this part – this is where the action heats up and I think you will like it!

Brinds

Chapter 18 Trust Your Instincts  
>SIS and the Drug Squad knew how much undercover experience Nick Buchanan had, and knew he could handle most things that came his way. This meant they decided to leave him much to his own devices in his assignment with Shay Baldwin – practically all they had given the couple was their new names. Nick was hesitant that such a lack of direction and instruction was a good idea, but he knew any pleas for more would fall on deaf ears, so he had made the most of their weeks of briefings and preparation meetings and often fell asleep beside Jennifer each night during those weeks mulling over how to approach their mission. He had worked undercover before, but nothing like this. Each undercover mission he'd ever done had been unique and different and scary all in their own way. One without Jennifer as his sidekick was even more so.<br>After much deliberation with Shay, Nick, unofficially the mastermind of their undercover actions, had decided when and exactly where they should debut their new life together, and when the night he'd picked arrived, the confidence he'd displayed throughout their preparation dissolved in an instant and he allowed his nerves to take over without him even realising.  
>Feeling powerless and pathetic, he dressed after dinner solemnly and slowly as Jen sat on the bed and watched him. She too felt similar feelings of ill confidence, hers marked by worry and just a tiny bit of jealousy. But mostly worry. She didn't feel right having her husband tread the boards of undercover work without her.<br>Nick had always dressed well the entire time Jen had known him, but the first night of his undercover stint, he stepped it up a notch, and she was impressed at the sight of him. An undisclosed amount of cash made available to him had allowed Nick to clad himself in designer threads like Jen had never seen. He wasn't going to society balls, but the clothes were of top quality and the first step towards becoming someone else. Jen encouraged him to think of the smart threads as his superhero costume – when he put them on he could be anyone he wanted, or needed, to be. It was a sentiment Nick appreciated.  
>As he finished dressing though, inside Jen felt anxious. By 9pm he was ready to go and he farewelled her at their bedroom door with a tight hug and a long and drawn out kiss. "I don't know how long we'll be out tonight," he whispered, feeling guilty already that he was doing this without her.<br>She nodded, understanding. "Just please be careful," she whispered back, their faces close and eyes locked on each other. "If something doesn't seem right, just get out." She leaned in to kiss him again, savouring the last moments that night that she would have with him. "Trust your instincts."  
>He nodded solemnly, promising to do so. Reluctantly he pulled out of her embrace and made for the front door. As he stepped out onto the veranda he turned back to look at her where she stood in the hallway, her shoulder against the wall, her eyes downcast, her arms hanging listlessly by her sides, the thumb of her left hand playing with her wedding ring, one more time before he left.<br>"Jen?"  
>She looked up.<br>"I love you."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 19 In Character  
>Utilising the skills he had quickly learnt whilst undercover the last two times, Nick was very paranoid about being seen and being traced, and so once he was out of the house he shared with Jennifer, he wanted to get as far away from it as possible, as quickly as he could. He powerwalked to the main road a block over from their home and hailed a taxi quickly, asking the driver to take him to a train station ten minutes away.<br>Once there he slotted himself into the crowd of Saturday night revellers that crowded the ticketing area of the station, buying tickets and meeting friends and making their way to trains that would take them to all of the city's nightspots. Nick felt such a need – almost an uncomfortable pressure – to blend in. He had timed his arrival at the station purposely, knowing it would be busy and crowded, but no matter what he did he didn't feel like he was doing enough to look normal. I stick out like a sore thumb he thought bitterly to himself. He waited nervously for Shay to arrive.  
>As he waited, Nick tried to keep an eye out for her, without making it look too obvious that he was looking for somebody. She was late and he was already worried.<br>"Nice costume," a voice whispered in his ear from behind.  
>Nick almost fell over the footbridge railing it surprised him so much. Shay smiled warmly at him, only looking slightly alarmed at how jumpy he was.<br>"Hey," he greeted her tensely.  
>She was much more at ease, Nick noted, and he wished instantly that he could feel the same. Her reassuring and warm smile calmed him a little as they stood there, but not much. But when she slipped her arm through his and steered him towards the ticket machines he forced himself to try to play along the way she was. He relaxed his shoulders and smiled at her. She had on quite the costume as well – a black piece of nothing adorned with gold sequins for a dress and a pair of black open toed heels. Shay had a body to die for, and she had dressed to show it off in all its glory that night. Nick silently applauded her attempt at getting into character. It was even better than his.<br>Five minutes later they stepped onto a train bound for Flinders Street and fifteen minutes after that they found themselves in the middle of a buzzing city centre. They walked together up several blocks, past lines that waited at the doors of nightclubs and noisy, boisterous beer gardens that bordered the footpaths of the city streets. Their point of interest was a place called Lolita, owned by Grant Jost, a well known crime identity and former sometime confidant of the infamous Moran brothers. Shay had answered a job ad there earlier in the week and tonight was her interview of sorts – and both she and Nick knew that tonight was their opportunity to make their start – their start at an infiltration of the drug and crooked cop world.  
>Lolita was only half full when Shay and Nick arrived since it was still so early. The corner before the bar cum nightclub, the pair had stopped and gathered together their guts for each other. Shay straightened the collar of Nick's jacket, the same way Jen always did, and Nick rubbed his hands up and down Shay's upper arms, trying to dispel the goosebumps she had from the biting wind of the evening. "Are you ready?" he asked her quietly. She nodded without saying yes and they walked up the street together and into Lolita.<br>Grant Jost was easy to spot. Nick had never dealt with him in a work capacity before but knew his face from newspapers and the television, even though Grant had deliberately kept himself out of the press for a long time now, since even before the Moran's were murdered, making him one of only a few gangsters who saw the merit in not having their face splashed all over the media. Nick knew from his colleagues that Grant just wanted to make the money – he didn't want the unwanted attention and glare and scrutiny being in the public eye often bought criminals. So he had kept himself quiet, though not stopping his lucrative dealings with drugs and firearms, and just ran Lolita like any other nightclub owner. Except other nightclub owners didn't take part so actively in the deals and conspiracies that went down on their premises the way Grant Jost did. And now Nick and Shay hoped to slip into that circle as well.  
>For as much his sake as hers, Nick gripped Shay's hand, trying to calm himself as well as slip into character as they walked further into the dark entrance and towards the notorious owner where he sat in a circular black leather booth smoking a fat cigar. A cloud of heavy smoke circled his head as he ignored most of the people around him.<br>Shay stared in disbelief for a moment at the solid man before her. He looked like a king, ready to bark orders and rule the world. Suddenly, she was scared to work for such a man and had a last minute crisis of confidence. She turned her head slightly in Nick's direction and muttered under her breath.  
>"I feel hopelessly underqualified for this."<br>Nick didn't reply, simply forcing an encouraging smile onto his face and placing a hand on her back, guiding her towards the intimidating cigar smoker. Shay knew it was time to step up and into character – there was no time for doubts now, whether she felt qualified for the gig or not. She breathed in deeply and mentally peeled off one identity and pulled on another. She was no longer Shay Baldwin. She pushed her chest out and strutted towards Jost on her high heels – the heels her sister had seen her bring home the previous week and proclaimed her purchase 'hooker heels fit for Mariah Carey' – Nick only a step behind her. When she reached the table where he sat she stood for a moment right in front of him, but when that failed to get his attention she leant over the table, placing her hands on the edge of it and pushed her best assets forward, demanding, and easily getting, the owner's attention at last. Shay didn't even have half a second with which to feel disbelieving within herself at how NOT Shay Baldwin her actions were, because Grant Jost had looked up and practically swallowed her entire figure with his stare.  
>"And who might you be?" He sounded as intimidating as he looked, but Shay held her own, Nick trying desperately beside her to do the same.<br>"Requel Farinacci," Shay replied, not moving from the spot where she had grabbed his attention.  
>Grant extended his hand towards the space opposite him in the booth, inviting her to sit down. She made quick work of sliding into the seat and as Nick slipped in beside her, she fought hard to keep up their act. She sat closer to Nick than she did to her potential new boss, crossing her left leg over her right and using the foot of that leg to pull Nick in closer to her under the table. She reached a hand to his thigh and snuck what she hoped was a lustful and convincing smile at him. They had to look like a hot for each other, loyal, solid as a rock couple, even though it was very unnatural for them both, especially Shay, the greenest cop in Melbourne and the most inexperienced in relationships among her group of girlfriends.<br>Shay placed her other hand on Nick's chest and introduced him to Grant, eager now to get the ball rolling. There was no turning back now, she thought to herself, so might as well dive in head first. "And this is Euan Kennedy." Shay deliberately didn't label Nick as her boyfriend or anything of that nature, preferring instead to let her body language with him demonstrate exactly what kind of relationship they had.  
>Surprising them both, Grant reached a hand across the table to greet Nick. As they shook hands heartily, Nick felt like he was taking the first real step into his new double life.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 20 Smooth Talker

Grant wasted no time in muscling his way up to the bar and ordering drinks for their tight knit table of three. His imposing frame meant the young clubbers instantly moved out of his way and the second his elbows rested on the bar towel every single bartender in the place turned their head, ready to serve the king his drink. Nick watched from his seat beside Shay, transfixed, at the power he had over everyone in the room.

Shay followed Nick's gaze and breathed out quickly. "Maybe alcohol will make this easier," she whispered.

Nick pulled his head in in disciplined surprise. While he supposed not officially against the rules, like office relationships, drinking on a job like this he was sure would be frowned upon. He shook his head at her, even though as he did so, a niggling feeling in the back of his head was already starting to change his mind. This operation was never going to be normal, straight forward police work. Maybe they needed to bend the rules, do things differently, in order to get results. He didn't know how hard it would be, but got the feeling he would never quite get rid of that niggle.

But he said no that first time. "I don't think it's a good idea," he whispered back to her, his arm snaking round her shoulders as Grant turned back towards their table from the bar. Nick didn't want to feel impaired in anyway, and knew too much alcohol could cause a serious impairment he didn't want.

But when he saw Grant being followed by a young bartender carrying a tray full of cocktails and spirits and Shay whispered urgently into his ear, begging him to do whatever he could to make them look credible and make their first night a successful one, he felt himself being swayed.

Grant didn't even have to tell the bartender what was for who. He deftly handed the drinks out, putting a hot pink Cosmo in front of Shay and a scotch and coke in front of Nick. The two undercover operatives looked at each other, astonished and trying so hard to hide their surprise at the way Grant had guessed their favourite drinks spot on.

It took several intense stares from Shay over the next fifteen minutes to convince Nick to accept the drink bought for him. When he finally gave in and felt the warm and surly liquid fall across his tongue and down his throat, instantly heating up his insides a little, he decided that maybe Shay, and that niggle in the back of his mind, was right. Maybe alcohol was just what they needed to get the show going. But Nick remained true to his reliable reputation, never finishing his entire drink and always keeping an eye on what Shay had consumed. He felt it was his responsibility as the other half of their duo. Shay had talked passionately about her parents and her brothers and sisters the night she had eaten at Jen and Nick's place, and even though her family knew nothing of exactly what she was doing for work tonight, as per the unwritten rule of undercover work – the less everyone knows, the better – Nick felt a duty to bring her home safe to her clueless family after their job as Euan and Requel was done.

Shay had been prepared to answer Grant Jost's questions truthfully about her previous bar tending experience and so was surprised and unprepared when he didn't even ask her if she'd pulled a beer before. She had almost been looking forward to being 'interviewed' of sorts, because she really did have bar experience and wanted the chance to prove her credibility as Requel. But Grant didn't even ask.

Instead he probed them with questions of almost every other nature. Nick and Shay found themselves making up the story as they went along, completely unprepared for the twenty questions thrown at them over the course of the night. Nick found, as predicted by Shay, his confidence level rising as he took more gulps of his drink. It was just enough to allow him to answer Grant's questions as Euan, rather than as Nick Buchanan telling a lie.

At 1am when the crowd was just starting to build up, Grant finally changed the subject. "Let me show you the ropes," he said smoothly, gesturing towards the back of the room.

_Finally_, both Nick and Shay thought to themselves. Nick got up with Shay, even though he got the distinct feeling Grant had only wanted Shay to follow him. _She's mine_, Nick thought. _And I have to make sure he knows that. We're a team and I'm going to be here as much as Shay is._

As they made their way out through a staff entrance to the back of the club and into something of a green room not nearly as glam as the inside of the club itself, Grant threw Nick several looks, annoyed at Nick's glue like consistency to Shay. When the tour of the facility lasted less than five minutes and they'd been shown nothing really of 'the ropes', Nick knew it had been cut short because of his presence. But he didn't want to blow Shay's chances at getting the job.

He pulled her in close to him, grabbing her hip as she stood beside him in the dimly lit hallway, its walls a deep red colour and its air strong with the smell of cigars. "Requel will fit right in here – she won't need any orientation," Nick explained, smiling at Shay and then over at Grant. It was his way of making Grant make a decision right there on the spot, and luckily for Nick, it seemed to work, and the daggers finally went from the man's eyes.

He nodded, reaching out to graze her cheek with a loosely closed fist. He smiled. "I think you're right. See you here 9pm tomorrow hot stuff." From anyone else the use of the term 'hot stuff' would've felt sleazy and disgusting to Shay, but something about the way Grant said it, coupled with that friendly and feather light knock on her cheek, made her totally fine with it. She caught herself wondering for a flicker of a second. _Have I drunk too much or is he really the smoothest talker in town? _

As they made their way back out into the main area of the club, Grant hot on their heels, Nick and Shay breathed silent sighs of relief. If it all went as well as tonight had, then they might just be able to pull this thing off. As Grant farewelled them at a side entrance he sucked her in with an even more charming smile in goodbye and turned to Nick as they stepped out into the cold night air.

"Perhaps we could even have a chat Euan," was all Grant divulged. Nick knew instantly that was their ticket – they were in. Grant must've been at least interested enough in them to want to offer Shay a job AND see Nick again. He knew they would sit down the following night and really get down to business.

Having drunk less than Shay, Nick had his wits about him enough to keep his arm around her all the way down the street and two blocks down, in case anyone that mattered was watching them. As Nick hailed a taxi at a busy intersection not far from Lolita and they climbed inside, Shay couldn't wipe the grin off her face, giddy with the adrenalin and excitement their successful night had given her. She turned to Nick, practically brimming over, wanting to discuss it all at a million miles a minute, but as the taxi pulled away Nick made her hold it in and asked the driver to take them to a kebab shop he knew of just out of the city centre. He had just realised the dire need to debrief and that they actually had nowhere to do it. The taxi was the last place they should be discussing their actions, and it wasn't right to go back to either of their homes, nor to work to pour over the details of their night.

Shay obediently kept her mouth shut as they drove but Nick watched her out of the corner of his eye and couldn't help but notice the way she was about to burst. How she felt was so familiar to him – he had once had the feeling of over the top excitement from a successful undercover exercise pulsing through his body, making him feel off the charts amazing too. But he now knew better. He couldn't feel as excited as she did, even though he was pleased their night had gone so smoothly.

When they pulled up to the kebab shop Nick helped Shay out of the car, wondering how she moved in such a tight dress, especially after a few. But she stealthily slid out of the car, accepting Nick's gentlemanly hand for help and slipped her arm through his as they crossed the footpath and walked inside the tiny establishment.

As they settled down a few minutes later, doner kebabs in their hands, the bright fluorescent lights of the place illuminating their now weary bodies, they looked to the world simply like a couple winding down after a big night on the town, eating greasy food to absorb the alcohol they'd drunk and discussing the events of their night. Nick was so pleased at how well it had all turned out and finally let Shay babble to him about how she felt about it.

They sat there for two hours, making plans and discussing how they would go about inserting themselves into the world of drugs and nightclubs.

Jennifer walked listlessly around the house after Nick left, completely at a loss as to what to do with herself without him there. She wasn't sure why she felt so weird about it – plenty of nights he was home late from the Drug Squad – but being undercover was so much different. This was not just a one off raid. This was practically a life change. And she couldn't rest easily until she knew he was home safe.

But she felt, and in fact was, so cut off from him. He had a new mobile phone with him the number of which he hadn't given her 'just in case something happens and it's traced' he'd said. He of course hadn't been able to tell her how long he'd be out tonight nor if he'd even come home at all. She knew nothing of where he was going or what he was doing – only that he was with Shay. It was a kind of frustration she had never felt before.

_Is this how it'll always feel?_ She pondered as she changed into her pyjamas and climbed in to bed. As she leant back against the pillows and looked over at the empty space beside her, she felt a tinge of sadness and sighed. _It'll probably only get worse_.

She willed herself to sleep sadly, desperately missing the warmth of his body next to hers.

Nick made every effort to be quiet as he slid his hand underneath the heaped roll of garden hose, felt the little key box wedged in to the hose holder and pulled it out. He crept in the last streaks of moonlight up to the back door, key in hand, and slid it quickly and quietly into the lock. As he felt the tongue of the lock slip over into the open position he leant his hand softly against the wooden door and pushed it open, stepping lightly into the still house.

He padded to the bedroom, and smiled when he reached the door and looked in. Jen was sprawled out gracefully over the mattress, her arms reaching out to the side where he usually was at this time of night, as if she was reaching for him.

He walked over to where she lay and dropped to his knees on the carpet on his side of the bed. Running his pointer finger over her delicate, thin hands, he watched as she shifted in her sleep. Feeling his Euan Kennedy persona slipping away, he smiled as he watched her sleep and the more he watched her the more he couldn't resist kissing her. She had never been far from his mind that night and he was grateful to be home at last.

As he climbed into the bed, slipping underneath the sheets beside her, Jen's eyelids finally flickered. She stared sleepily at him as he snuggled in closer to her, feeling her limp and sleepy limbs wake up slowly.

Nick breathed a hello, stroking her cheek.

It had taken Jen hours to fall asleep earlier, as she worried if now that he was undercover with somebody else that she would have to compete for his attention. She smiled at him, leaning in for a kiss and feeling her fears melt away, at least for tonight.

Nick smiled back and worked slowly and tenderly at peeling off what she was wearing, feeling a rush he could never get from undercover work. Here he was with the woman he would die for and she had waited patiently for him all night, understanding of his work and willing to let him go and do something so dangerous and that she was so against him doing. What more could he possibly ask of her? He pulled her in closer and breathed in her familiar scent.

She let him undress her and then made quick work of doing the same to him, feeling an intense longing for him that had possibly been biting away at her ever since the night he told her he was going back undercover. She was well and truly awake now, clawing at Nick's clothes, so relieved and comforted to have him back in their bed, close to her once again.

As they let passion take over, reconnecting in a way they hadn't in a long time, Nick pushed the thought of their failed attempts to conceive out of his mind and simply made love to Jennifer the way he used to, before they had unknowingly placed a pressure on themselves to make a family.

It was a nice change of pace they both knew they needed, and both wondered if maybe, just maybe, they stopped intentionally trying this time, and went back to the way things used to be, a miracle might happen.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 21 Luck of the Draw  
>A week later Nick and Jen sat numbly before their doctor, unable to speak. The doctor too said little, just the minor details, knowing the news was crushing for them. He watched them with a sympathetic expression, gripping his pen tightly in his hands. He never got used to this depressing side of his job. Every couple seemed more devastated than the last and it was never easy news to break.<br>Nick had been holding Jen's hand the entire time they'd been in the office, and their fingers intertwined, resting atop the arm rest of Jen's chair. When he finally pulled his eyes away from the doctor he turned his head towards his wife and felt the tears welling up as he met her gaze. He looked at her, his entire face seeming to quiver in disappointment as his eyes welled up and over.  
>Jennifer looked back, barely able to keep back similar tears. She just bought her other hand to rest on top of his and a few moments later they stood up together and exited the room, both knowing they'd be back, as per the doctors encouragement. "This will take time," came his gentle and caring voice as he farewelled them. "Don't get disheartened. When you're ready, we'll have another go."<br>They both nodded as they left, Nick roughly pushing his palms into his eyes, wiping away his few stray tears. He breathed in deeply as they walked down the corridor and he pulled Jen into him, scrunching in her shoulders close to his body. She leant into his hold as they walked and allowed herself to be hugged as he kissed her soft blonde hair.  
>They walked down the street towards a little park that sat quietly next to a wing of the hospital. Seating themselves on a bench in the shade they stayed silent, Nick with his arm still around Jen, rubbing his thumb softly against her jacket sleeve.<br>As an hour slipped by and the news sunk in more and more, Jennifer finally looked up and into her husband's eyes, noting the sadness that still hovered there, and one which she was frightened would never dissipate. "I think we should have another go," was all she said to him.  
>He nodded slowly. "Are you sure?"<br>"I've never been more sure."

_How many tests would you need to do to convince yourself you were really pregnant?_  
>Angela's text was a bolt out of the blue, not only in its straight forward, slightly stunned wording, but also because of the fact she and Jen had not seen a lot of each other in the last few months, too caught up in work and life to maintain their weekly catch ups. But this was something Angela couldn't imagine asking anyone else.<br>Jennifer stared at her phone with a heavy heart, knowing exactly what was coming. But she couldn't bring herself to text her friend back straight away. Not when she and Nick had received exactly the opposite news only a few days before. The pain was still raw, and they were both in a funk, trying to get over the disappointment. It had not been an easy few days.  
>Jennifer let an entire day pass before she eventually just went to Angela and Julian's house to answer Angela's question in person. She felt bad at how they had let their friendship lapse for so many months, and felt she needed to get out of the house – to somewhere that wasn't work.<br>Angela opened the door in surprise. "Jen!" she exclaimed.  
>"Five," Jen replied.<br>"What?" Angela looked at her oddly.  
>"I'd have to do five tests before I believed it," Jen said, as Angela stepped aside to let her in. It was true – after all of her and Nick's failures, she'd thought a lot about such an occurrence. She'd decided long ago that she'd need at least five pieces of proof – evidence if you like – that what she and Nick so badly wanted was in fact happening.<br>She smiled. "Oh, thank god," Angela breathed a sigh of relief. "That's how many I did."  
>She and Jen looked at each other for a moment in the entryway. "And they were all positive?" Jen whispered, holding the giddy hands of her best friend.<br>Ange nodded, a smile ripping across her face. There was nothing for Jen to do but embrace her friend, offering congratulations that she felt were forced, but hoped didn't look that way on the surface. "I'm sorry I haven't called…" Jen muttered into Ange's shoulder. "My phone's been acting up."  
>This was a lie of course, and usually something Angela would never have bought, but her mind was clearly clouded with other thoughts that day and she brushed it off. They spent the rest of the morning sitting by the fireplace, discussing Angela's more than twenty week bump. Jennifer ruefully wondered why she'd needed those five tests – the bump spoke for itself. It couldn't have been anything else. Inwardly, she sighed, and forced herself to act like nothing was wrong through their entire chat session. She and Nick had agreed not to tell anyone of their IVF exploits – even though Jennifer had, in a moment of understandable weakness and worry, told Matt – unless they were successful. Not even Angela and Julian, their best friends. So it was hard to keep a straight face as Angela bubbled over with plans and excitement.<br>As she drove home later, the tears fell down Jen's cheeks again. She wondered where they all came from – surely she had none left by now? But spill down her cheeks they did, in a slow and sad stream and when she got home she'd never been more grateful to see Nick back in bed, just waiting for her to come and be beside him. She crawled under the covers after pulling off her shoes and shuffled over to him, sprawling herself on his chest, her ear to his heart, her head rising and falling as his chest rose and fell.  
>It didn't take long though for his chest movements to become erratic and uneven as he wept quietly, trying not to make it obvious.<br>But Jennifer knew.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 22 Falling Deeper  
>As she jabbed at her thigh with the syringe, alone in the bathroom, Jen said a little prayer that this time it'd work. But her heart didn't feel very in it. Nick was nowhere in sight as she pumped herself with what the doctor had given her and screwed up her nose at the pain, wishing he was there beside her, helping her to do this. It was supposed to be a team effort, but once again, he was off with Shay, fighting crime. Jen greatly lamented the increasing time she and Nick spent apart these days.<br>They were only little changes at first, and barely noticeable, Jen later realised, because Nick and Shay's undercover stints were so sporadic. It wasn't like last time, where Nick and Jen had lived out of home and not been in contact with their friends or family for weeks on end. No, Nick and Shay kept odd hours – a night here, a night there, a few days straight in a week, a few all nighters where Jen went without seeing Nick for more than twenty four hours – but for the most part, at the beginning, Nick was still sleeping beside her at least four nights a week. However, when he was absent, Jen knew he wasn't always undercover, on the beat, being Euan Kennedy, and it was during those times that she did not know what he was doing nor how dangerous it was.  
>But in the last few weeks, as their second cycle of IVF had begun, she and Nick had not seen a lot of each other at all, and it was beginning to get to Jen. Not only was he scarcely ever home, but he had begun to change a little in his appearance, taking on the character he was playing a lot more seriously, cutting his hair extra short and almost never dressing in any of his old clothes anymore. This was partly because he was almost always being Euan anyway and therefore needed to dress appropriately, but also because he had expressed a concern that he differentiate himself as much as possible from Nick Buchanan – he didn't want to look like a guy anyone from his real life recognised.<br>This had made Jen frown upon hearing. "Don't let this consume you Nick," she'd warned. "You're still Nick Buchanan. You're still my husband, the cop."  
>He'd nodded absentmindedly at her as he shrugged himself into a pair of sleek designer pants and did up the belt. Jen knew he was throwing himself head first into his assignment with Shay, probably to forget about the trouble they were still having conceiving. Jennifer knew that when things got tough, Nick often turned to the darker, uglier side of life. She knew he found solace there. He could get completely lost in the ugliness and always found that it successfully took his mind off whatever was troubling him in his personal life. It was just something he had always done. It was his way of coping, she knew.<br>But she tried to put it out of her mind, reassuring herself that no undercover operation could last forever, surely! And anyway, Nick and Shay did a good job of distracting her. Shay was becoming like the third member of their family, and they had swiftly taken her under their wing. She trusted them innately and they her, and it was a closeness all three needed.

Nick and Shay had only been at it for about two months, but already made a name for themselves. Word had got out, thanks largely to the pulling power of Grant Jost, that Euan and Requel had gear to move.  
>Shay had built up a good rapport with her new boss, and he keenly interacted with her and Nick, who, whenever Shay was working the bar, was there in a circular booth too. One Saturday night Nick leaned over the table and beckoned Grant in close, wanting his full attention.<br>Grant took the cigar out of his mouth and leaned over towards Nick, picking up his drink as he did so.  
>"I love that you're buying from me mate," Nick said quietly. "We do good business together." Grant nodded, agreeing whole heartedly. He had bought several thousand dollars worth of heroin off Nick and Shay in the last week alone. Nick felt he was a good foundation with which to ease into the business, but he knew they needed to expand, and quickly. "But," Nick continued. "You bring me in some more buyers and there will definitely be benefits for you."<br>Nick knew this was a tasty morsel someone like Grant wouldn't be able to resist. And he was right.

The day after Nick had dangled enough rope in front of Grant Jost, Shay asked Nick to have Jen meet her. Nick was perplexed and not at all keen, and told her so. "It's just women's business Nick," she whispered urgently as they walked through the city centre just after lunch, she hanging off his arm, like the handbag she was recruited to be. Nick relented, and from a public phone box painstakingly texted his old mobile, using the ancient big silver buttons on the keypad, a message to Jen.  
>"You should be doing this," he muttered to Shay. "Who writes a text message on a public phone? We'll be here all afternoon!" <em>Oh<em>_how__I__wish__for__my__speedy__old__Motorola__right__about__now_ Nick thought to himself.  
>He knew that Jen would see the message as she pottered around the house on that Saturday, cleaning and finishing paperwork at home.<br>And he was right. She rushed to the suburban café Nick had instructed her to meet them at, worried out of her mind that something was wrong. When she arrived and saw neither of them, her heart began beating faster. She walked hurriedly through the mass of little tables in their outdoor garden setting, searching for the two familiar faces, her breathing quickening.  
>Suddenly she felt a hand tug at hers. She whipped around, almost knocking over a chair from a neighbouring table. Shay sat petitely below her, smiling hesitantly. Jen fell into the chair opposite and stared intently at Shay. "Where's Nick? What's happened?" she asked frantically.<br>"Nothing, it's all right Jen," Shay replied quietly, barely making Jen's name audible. She leant over the table, very aware she was taking a risk, and putting Jen in potential danger by meeting her out in public. "He's gone and made himself scarce for an hour, that's all."  
>Jen couldn't hide from her face her disappointment. "So what are we doing here?" she whispered back, completely puzzled.<br>Shay's face flushed pink. "I just need a big favour," she admitted, embarrassed. "I'm all out of my bloody Pill and haven't had a chance to get to the chemist and was wondering if you…"  
>Jen caught Shay's drift instantly, and breathed a loud sigh of relief. Like many women, Jen carried her supply around in her handbag so as not to forget to take it. She had of course been not taking it for some time now, but the little plastic packet had lain forgotten at the bottom of her bag, buried under other assorted junk. She reached into her brown leather bag and rifled through it, finding it a moment later. She handed it over. "Is it the same type you take?" Jen asked.<br>Shay's eyes lit up when she saw it. "Yes, thankyou!" What a stroke of luck, Shay thought. She punched out the pill she needed and handed the packet back to Jen, downing it with the glass of water that sat at her elbow.  
>Jen shook her head, refusing to take it back. She waved her hand at Shay. "Keep it."<br>Shay frowned, sensing something was wrong. She'd noticed a change in Nick over their weeks of working together, and often caught herself wondering if the change was just a natural progression from straight laced honest cop to dodgy supplier Euan, or if something else was behind it. Now that he saw Jen she knew it was something else. "Is everything all right Jen?" she asked thoughtfully.  
>Jen nodded. A little too quickly.<br>"Everything cool with you and Nick?" Shay pressed, a frown creeping quickly onto her face as she disbelieved Jen.  
>Jen nodded again, brushing off her problems in front of Shay.<br>Luckily Shay could take a hint, and when a few minutes later they stood up to part ways, Shay hugged Jen tightly in goodbye, knowing there was plenty both she Nick weren't letting her in on. "Everything'll be fine Jen," she assured her. "Don't worry."  
>As they pulled apart Jen felt a motherly side of her come out – a side that had just been lying in wait. "Still be careful though ok?" she asked.<br>Shay nodded. "We'll probably be pretty late tonight," was the last thing she said before she left the café and headed for the motel where she'd agreed to meet Nick.  
>Jen watched her walk away, unable to shake the feeling that whatever Nick and Shay were doing together was only going to get worse.<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 23 One Night Only

Nick was waiting in the motel room as he'd promised her. He was dressed and ready when she got back, his nerves still making him do things at hyper speed. It was a stark contrast to his partner, who breezed through the door, relieved after Jen had helped her out with something that had been playing on her mind all day, and smiled happily as she headed casually for the bathroom. Tonight was an important night.

Nick wrung his hands as he sat on the bed, listening to her shower and then flush the toilet. When five minutes later she opened the bathroom door towelling her hair dry he couldn't help but shake his head at her. She was so relaxed! He wished for just half of her confidence.

"Jen misses you," Shay smiled, looking at her partner.

Nick's face softened as his wife came to be at the front of his mind rather than the nerves. "Was she all right?" he asked quietly. He was playing this game so hard, but he always longed for Jen, often thinking back to how life had been with her before this undercover gig had interrupted their lives.

Shay nodded, running a brush through her hair. They'd spent the previous night in the motel room and probably would spend tonight in there too – that was if they even got home before the sun came up anyway. Shay knew it was the longest time during their operation that Nick had spent away from Jen. The previous night, as they'd both tried to get to sleep, he hadn't been able to stop talking about her – telling Shay about how they'd met and their wedding day and all the things they hoped to do together one day. Shay had listened to it all eagerly, completely enchanted at the love story. It was a side of himself Nick didn't often reveal.

"How do you make it work?" she'd asked him in the darkness.

"What do you mean?" he asked back, shuffling under the bed clothes, hating being in a bed so big by himself.

"Both of you being in the job," she insisted, wanting to know the secret to a happy police force marriage. She hadn't heard too many glowing reports. "I know they don't like it…how have you guys managed to perfect it so well?"

Nick had exhaled and smiled to himself. His voice changed to a soft tone of affection he rarely used as he went to answer his colleague. He'd shrugged his shoulders, not even realising she couldn't see him do it in the darkness. "It just…works for us. We make it work. It's not always easy but…I couldn't live without her, so we make it work. Whatever it takes. That's why I transferred from Homicide to Drug Squad."

Shay had nodded, admiration in her voice as she answered him. "Wow, that's a big move. I'd rather be at Homicide than Drugs."

Nick had nodded back, chuckling softly. "Me too."

They had lay silently in their respective beds for several minutes after that and Shay had wondered if Nick had drifted off.

"But sometimes just one person…is worth it." Nick's voice faded away as he finished his sentence.

She

May be the face I can't forget

She

Who always seems so happy in a crowd

Whose eyes can be so private and so proud

No one's allowed to see them when they cry

She

May be the reason I survive

The why and wherefore I'm alive

The one I'll care for through the rough in ready years

Me

I'll take her laughter and her tears

And make them all my souvenirs

For where she goes I've got to be

The meaning of my life is

She

Shay had fallen asleep that night thinking about what Nick had said, very taken aback by the level of devotion he seemed to have to Jen.

She hoped feverishly that one day she too would find someone so special who would be so devoted to her.

After Shay's shift behind the bar at Lolita that night, she and Nick accompanied Grant out to a ritzy suburb not far from the city. As they pulled up to the sprawling property, Shay reached for Nick's hand in the backseat as they once again pulled together each others guts, prepping themselves for the task ahead. Grant had promised to introduce them to some new clients at the house, and Shay and Nick both knew how important tonight was going to be. They needed to cast their net wider in order to catch more fish.

As the three walked up the long driveway, made darker by heavy over hanging trees and an imposingly solid, very high fence around the entire perimeter of the property, Grant remained casual and the smooth talker he always was, letting nothing bother him, as he explained what they were about to enter in to.

"Not just anyone gets invited to a 'do at Joel Christie's house," he explained solemnly. "But I've promised him you've got good shit to sell, and he and his circle are eager to meet you." As he knocked on the heavy white front door he turned once again to Euan and Requel. "Don't screw it up."

The door was opened immediately by a girl that probably had sat next to Shay at school, so similar in age to Shay did she look. She grinned when she saw Grant before her and he fired right back at her an alluring smile that made the girl go visibly weak at the knees.

"Hey gorgeous," Grant kissed her cheek as he stepped inside.

"Joel told me you were coming Josty," she replied, walking with him towards the kitchen, completely ignoring Nick and Shay. She looped her arm into Grant's and smiled adoringly at him. "We've been waiting for you!" She was almost so syrupy sweet that Shay felt like gagging.

Shay and Nick could do nothing but follow the pair and within a few steps found themselves in a dimly lit kitchen that led into an even dimmer lit dining room, where several men sat around playing cards and chomping on cigars and cigarettes, rolls of cash on the table and shiny silver ashtrays scattered amongst their aces and jacks.

The whole scene reminded Shay of the first night she had met Grant, but this time she felt a thousand times more at ease and hung off Nick with confidence.

"Gambling away your millions again Joel," Grant slapped one of the men on the shoulder jovially and smiled.

Joel looked up at Grant and grinned around his cigar, puffing out smoke as he did so. "Always mate, always," he replied. "But as usual, I'm wiping the floor with these guys." All the men in the dining room laughed and Shay wondered how they would break into this little CWA meeting.

Luckily, Grant did that for them and beckoned them over to where he stood by Joel. "Requel, Euan, this is Joel Christie, a business associate of mine," Grant introduced them.

Nick and Shay smiled and nodded, extending hands. Grant went on, reversing the introductions, keeping it formal. "And Joel this is Euan Kennedy and his girl Requel Farinacci. She's recently taken up a place behind my bar." She smiled slickly at her.

Joel Christie looked both Nick and Shay straight up and down, taking their figures in the same way Grant had that first night. He excused himself from the poker game and walked with the pair back into the kitchen.

He reached for the clean glasses that sat at the end of the shiny marble benchtop. The kitchen was immaculate, like that of a display home Nick thought. He wondered just how rich this Joel Christie bloke was. "Drink?" Joel asked them.

Nick immediately began shaking his head but Shay, her arm dangling on Nick's shoulder, pressed her fingertips into his collarbone, making him change his mind. He wanted to maintain his policy of not really drinking on the job, but it never seemed to happen much these days. "Sure," he replied instead to Joel smiling at Shay as he answered.

The next three hours went by in a blur, as Nick and Shay mingled with the other people at Joel Christie's house, and had some in depth discussions with both Grant and Joel about new business. Joel seemed keen to see what Nick and Shay could offer him and seemed in no mood to wait.

"Can you bring me a sample this arvo?" he asked them as they made their way to the front door again, insisting it was time for them to go home. It was almost 4am, so with some quick math, Nick knew Joel meant that same day. They would have barely twelve hours in which to scrounge up a sample for this king pin. But he was sure they could do it. They would have to.

He nodded confidently at Joel and reached out to shake his hand as he stepped out onto the drive. "There's a Safeway three blocks from Lolita. We'll meet you in the carpark at four." Nick wasn't sure if him calling the shots was such a good idea, but Joel didn't seem to mind, acting impressed that Nick was so on the job and ready to supply him as he asked.

"At four," he nodded at Nick and Shay. And with that he promptly turned on his heel and walked back inside the house.

Nick and Shay looked at each other, expressionless.

This operation had just got real.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 24 Desensitised  
>As they sat in the cab on the way back to the motel a sadness swept over Nick. He'd known tonight was going to be a long one, but he had still, obviously niavely, thought he'd be able to go home and sleep beside his wife at the end of it. He did not want to spend another night in the dingy motel room, with it's frayed and ugly bed spreads and dirty carpet. No wonder it was so cheap.<br>When they got back, they climbed the stairs wearily to their room. Upon entering, Nick moped straight to the window and pulled the curtains closed against the rising sun. He turned to Shay. "Let's just get a few hours in us then we'll go and get this sample."  
>Shay nodded, exhausted . She flopped onto the bed, her feet aching from being in high heels most of the night and the morning. She wrenched the black shoes off and threw them over by the dresser where her overnight bag sat. She didn't even change her clothes – simply too tired to even think of doing anything but sleep – and within moments she was sound asleep.<br>In the bed opposite, Nick lay staring at the ceiling, missing Jen and wondering how he could get yet another sample off his handlers at such short notice. They'd been obliging of all his requests at the Drug Squad and SIS, but Nick knew it was difficult to get supplies at the last minute. And this time they had less than half a day. He fiddled with the finger his wedding band was usually on and looked down sadly at the hand, wondering when he could next put the ring back on.

Jennifer kept her eyes closed. She didn't want to open them if he wasn't there. Blindly she reached out a hand across the bed, feeling for his familiar muscly frame, his warm skin, the soft material of his singlet.  
>But all she could feel was the bedsheet. Sadly she opened her eyes and sat up, brushing her hair out of her eyes. She frowned in the morning sunlight that streamed into the silent bedroom and looked at the digital clock by the bed. It was 7:30am. And Nick wasn't home. Again. She'd not really expected him to come home the night before, but she still hoped that he would. They'd already spent Friday night apart, and he had not come to the café with Shay like she had hoped he would. The stretches they spent apart were getting longer and longer.<br>She lay back down and pushed her face into her pillow, trying to grapple with her intense emotions. Hormones of all kinds ripping through her thanks to the treatment she was receiving, she often had a hard time keeping a lid on what she was feeling, and while Nick wasn't often around for her to offload it onto, she had had a few good cries over the last week or so. But everyday she could feel it building up more and more.  
>Fifteen minutes later she dragged herself from the bed, and knowing she had nothing better to do, and that it was best to distract herself anyway, she decided to head into work. It was a Sunday, but that didn't matter – the place would be quiet, she hoped, and she could get through her mountains of paperwork perhaps. And she wouldn't have to talk to anybody.<br>As she stepped into the bathroom to turn on the shower, she looked at herself in the mirror. She frowned at what she saw then quickly looked away. Thinking more of it, she slipped a foot under the bathroom cabinet and slid out the scales that sat hidden in dust under there. She stepped onto the small platform reluctantly and then looked down at the dial. She never normally weighed herself – the scales had in fact belonged to Nick, and when they'd bought this house together the scales had made the move too – so she didn't know if the weight she saw on the dial was normal or not.  
>She stepped off and nudged the scales back under the cabinet with her toe and stepped into the steamy shower.<p>

"Jen!"  
>Jennifer looked up from her desk and saw Matt striding towards her. She sighed inwardly – not because she was unhappy to see him, but because she'd been getting so much work done in the office alone, and someone else arriving was sure to put a stop to that, she felt.<br>"Hey Matty," she greeted him softly, trying with all her might to muster up some strength for him. She didn't stand up from her desk.  
>Matt looked at her curiously as he made his way to his desk not far from hers and delved quickly into his paperwork the way she was. Jen tried to ignore the look and they both worked quietly for a while, lost in their thoughts, and trying to avoid any questions. Matt could only guess she was there to get some work done on a Sunday arvo the way he had intended, but something about her didn't seem right, and for more than a week now he'd been trying to put his finger on it, but had no luck.<br>When an hour passed and he'd got barely anything done because he'd been trying to figure out in his head what wasn't sitting right with him about Jen, he gave up momentarily and wandered into the kitchen for a drink. When he got to the door he turned back and called out to his colleague.  
>"Drink Jen?" he asked.<br>She lifted her head lazily to look at him. "Sure," she nodded.  
>Matt turned back towards the kitchen and began pulling mugs out of the cupboard. But then he stopped as it suddenly came to him.<br>_She__isn__'__t__drinking__coffee,__because__she__'__s__doing__IVF,__and__oh__my__god__I__never__found__out__what__happened__with__that._  
>Matt's mind reeled. She hadn't told him one way or the other what had happened. He immediately took this as a bad sign. It had been ages since he'd told her to call him day or night if she needed, and even longer since he'd wheeled himself over to her desk that afternoon and she'd admitted that she was glad she didn't have to knock down doors anymore now that she was a sergeant.<br>Jen plodded into the room and Matt turned, stricken, to face her. She looked at him, almost afraid.  
>But Matt didn't know what to say. Finally he spluttered out what he thought would be the least probing question.<br>"You don't want coffee do you?" he asked fearfully.  
>She immediately shook her head sadly. "Nah, just water."<br>He reached over to the fridge, grabbed her a bottle and handed it over to her, where she stood in a daze in front of him, lost in her exhaustion, her longing for Nick, her worry, everything.  
>"Jen are you ok?" Matt asked, beginning to worry.<br>She sat down on one of the metal chairs that bordered the small table by the fridge and propped her head up tiredly with her hand. "Yeah," she replied unconvincingly.  
>Matt sat down beside her and they drank in silence for several moments. "So…" Matt felt so intrusive asking her about her personal life, but felt such a concern for her at the same time. "Did you get any news from the doctor?" He asked it quietly, even though there was no one else but the two of them around. But it wasn't the type of thing you shouted from the rooftops, Matt thought to himself, so he kept it dignified and hushed.<br>Jen looked up and smiled sadly at him. She shook her head. "The first attempt didn't take," she admitted. "I'm in the middle of the second."  
>Matt bowed his head unhappily upon hearing the news, making a mental note of how she'd said<em> '<em>_I__'__m__'_ rather than _'__we__'__re__'_. "I'm sorry Jen." He reached out a hand to stroke her arm kindly, but she barely noticed the touch.  
>"And how's Nick?"<br>She shrugged at the question. "As busy as ever with the Drug Squad," she generalised. Nobody was to know that Nick was undercover, and only if push came to shove, the way it had with his colleagues in the Drug Squad who had noticed his absence from their workplace, was it said that Nick was on temporary secondment outside of Melbourne at the appointment of Tony Eastough.  
>Matt nodded, accepting her answer. He looked closer at her. "Are you sure you're ok Jen? You don't look very good," he tilted his head, trying to catch her eye. She was noticeably thinner and her eyes looked tired and sad.<br>"I'm managing," was all she replied.


	8. Chapter 8

The next few chapters, specifically 26 and 27 are INTENSE, so I hope you're all still reading and enjoying! Please do take the time to leave a review if you do read – even if it's a negative review, I still want to read it! Because right now it seems like no one is reading - Brindy

Chapter 25 A Lucrative Deal  
>Jeremy Burns and Tony Eastough had had to pull a lot of strings to get Nick the drugs he'd asked for. Not able to sleep at all Sunday morning, even though Shay had slumbered easily in the bed next to his the entire time, on the dot of seven he was out in the carpark of the motel, using the payphone there to call Tony.<br>Tony had just about thrown a pink fit at the short notice of it all, but Nick put his persuasion skills to the test and quickly convinced his boss it'd be worth it. "This one's big Tony – this bloke knows people," he insisted.  
>Tony sighed and conceded defeat, promising to have it delivered by noon to the motel. "You better be right Buchanan."<p>

Joel Christie was already in the carpark when Nick and Shay pulled up. Nick had already been stressing because he and Shay were late to the meeting, and everyone knows you don't keep people with thousands of dollars in cash in their pocket waiting. But Tony had had the sample delivered much later than he'd promised – a reflection of how difficult it was to get – and Nick and Shay had had to speed towards the Safeway, hoping against hope that Joel would be late too.  
>But no, he was already there, waiting in his red Monaro. He had the window down, and his dark sunglasses on. And he didn't look happy. Nick pulled up beside him, and Shay wound down her window in the front passenger seat.<br>Nick leant on the center console wondering how he could apologise. But before he could even get a word out Joel spoke.  
>"Have you got it?" came his blunt query.<br>Nick nodded eagerly. "Sure have mate."  
>Joel lifted his chin, his expression unchanged. "Get in to my car. I don't want to do this here." He wound up his window and roared his car into life.<br>Nick looked at Shay. "All right, let's do this," he said, tapping her leg with his hand.  
>Shay took a deep breath and got out her side as Nick got out his. Together they walked to the other vehicle. Nick slipped into the front and Shay into the back. She wanted to leave this sort of gig up to Nick. He was the one with Drug Squad experience.<br>Neither had even put on a seatbelt before Joel sped out of the carpark and drove into the next suburb. They cruised for a good fifteen minutes before coming to a stop in a carpark behind a run down looking fish and chip shop. Joel turned expectantly to Nick.  
>"Well?" he demanded, still staring from behind his dark shades.<br>Nick rummaged in his pocket and pulled out a small foil, wrapped tightly. He handed it over.  
>Joel took it and unwrapped it carefully, holding it delicately, like the true professional Nick knew he was.<br>"I only get the best mate," Nick reassured him. This was certainly true, and it was why it had been such a hassle to get from the Drug Squad's stores.  
>Joel nodded, satisfied with what he saw.<br>"Can you get more for me?" he asked.  
>Nick nodded back, eager to close a deal. "You got lots who want to buy huh?" It was a cheeky question to ask – really it was none of the suppliers business who his dealers sold to, but Nick needed information if they were to eventually make arrests from this whole exercise.<br>Joel nodded slightly. "A few people I know are interested in the good stuff," was all he would divulge. Nick and Shay wondered exactly who those people were. "I think we can definitely do some business Euan."  
>Nick snuck a look at Shay in the backseat. She knew they'd just struck the jackpot.<p>

Satisfied that Euan had come through for him, even though he had been late, Joel's demeanour turned around, and after dropping them back at their car he extended an invitation to them both to join him back at his home for festivities similar to the previous night.  
>Nick and Shay jumped at the chance, knowing they were being handed the opportunity to make some real head way. They drove back to the motel, changed, grabbed a bite to eat then headed for the Christie mansion once again. <p>


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 26 Emotionally Involved

When Monday morning crept around and Nick still wasn't back, Jen wasn't sure what to think. He'd never been gone this long before. She didn't know if it was a good thing – perhaps they were really having some success with their operation, or maybe something terrible had happened and she didn't know one way or the other.

Whichever, his absence meant she went to her doctors appointment alone. She had to drag herself there, a niggling feeling in the back of her mind that she was in for more bad news, and to make it worse Nick wouldn't be there to hold her hand through hearing it.

Jennifer sat on the couch, wondering how long she'd have to wait for him. Maybe he wasn't even coming home tonight at all? Just like the previous three nights. She stared sorrowfully out the window, not shifting her gaze from their quiet street.

So when half an hour later she saw a taxi trundle past and then two minutes later Nick walking quickly across their front garden, she was ready. She remained on her spot on the couch.

Nick opened the door quietly, and stepped inside, pulling off his jacket as he did so. His face was lit up, his brow unfurrowed and his hands made quick work of throwing his jacket over the back of the couch. He was buzzing with the success of their last few days, feeling the adrenalin pump through him at a fast pace.

"Hi!" he greeted her jovially as he headed straight for the bathroom, eager for a shower in a bathroom that wasn't disgusting and mouldy the way the motel one had been.

Jennifer didn't answer.

Nick listened for her reply as he walked down the hall, and as he reached their bedroom and still hadn't heard it, he stopped. He cocked his head to the side and retraced his steps back out into the living room.

She heard him walk back and turned her head around to look at him. Her eyes were for once devoid of tears, but as soon as he saw her expression he knew.

"I missed the appointment didn't I?" he asked forlornly, mentally beating himself up about it instantly.

She didn't answer, just turned her head back to stare out the window. Nick leapt over to where she sat and placed himself down beside her, pulling her in for a hug. But she shrugged him off angrily and got up off the couch, sending a cushion flying. He looked up at her from where he sat, shocked.

"You weren't even here!" she exclaimed, hearing the resentment build in her voice. "Through this whole thing! You were too busy making deals and preparing samples and drinking with the gangsters and being Euan Kennedy!" She spat out everything she could think of, so angry.

Nick didn't have an answer for that, and sat on the couch and watched as she stalked away to their bedroom, her shoulders now shaking as she began to cry. When an hour later he joined her in bed, she faced away from him.

"Jen," he whispered, reaching a hand for her tense shoulder.

Again she shrugged him off, not wanting to be intimate in the slightest. She just stared out the window, her arm cradling her stomach pathetically, her tears now dry. She knew she wasn't as mad at him as she was making out – it was mostly the treatment. But she also knew that it would bring Nick back down to earth and that was something she felt he really needed.

An hour later, as they both remained awake, Jennifer spoke up. "It didn't work," she revealed to him quietly.

It was then that Nick started to wish for a way to get out of undercover, and out of the Drug Squad all together.

Jennifer walked into work the next day knowing she looked terrible but hoping people would have enough tact to not say anything about it to her face.

And they didn't. Until Matt saw her. With one look at her he knew he wasn't about to not say anything_._ Previously he had not inserted himself too much into her business. What she did with Nick was her business and hers alone. Out of respect for their marriage he held himself back – it was improper territory. He would never intentionally hurt Jen.

But when he saw her his brain flipped a switch._ I've bitten my tongue for long enough._

He pulled her by the elbow into the sparse and tiny hallway by the interview rooms, out of sight of the rest of their colleagues. "Jen talk to me," he pressed her as soon as they were alone.

Her face was contorted at her surprise at being yanked from the main office into a dark corner with Matt. "What?" she asked, annoyed.

"I know you're not all right," he insisted, still holding her elbow. "Tell me what's going on. I want to help!"

"I'm fine Matt!" she replied begrudgingly, shaking off his hand.

"No you're not!" he hissed back. "I'm worried sick about you Jen…please tell me what's wrong."

Her face softened in defeat for just a second and the truth tumbled quickly out of her mouth before she'd even realised. "It didn't work again," she whispered, staring at her feet.

Matt exhaled, hearing exactly what he had feared he would. "Oh Jen," he mumbled. "I'm so sorry." He stroked her arm tenderly, wondering what else he could do. But his mind quickly turned to her husband. "What's Nick doing?" he asked, his voice getting stronger again. "Why isn't he taking care of you? You need him." Matt frowned, starting to get angry.

_I do need him. So where the hell is he?_ Jen thought to herself. She shrugged her shoulders at Matt. "He's got a lot on his plate right now."

I don't care what they say

I'm in love with you

They try to pull me away

But they don't know the truth

"That's bullshit," Matt hissed. "He should still be taking care of you, no matter how much work he has on."

"I'm ok Matt!" Jen tried to insist, fighting him with what energy she had left and not liking hearing Matt badmouth Nick.

"No you're not Jen!" Matt hissed again. "Look at you!" He grabbed her by the upper arms and wrenched her around so that she was facing the glass panel that made up the wall near the media room door. He forced her to look at her reflection.

She stared with dead eyes at her pitiful reflection, seeing immediately that Matt was right. Her tired face was drawn and defeated, her shoulders low and saggy. She was thinner than ever, her collarbones sticking out from beneath her blouse, her cheeks beginning to look hollow. She had no energy and missed Nick terribly, even though he'd done little lately to deserve her faithfulness.

What she loved about Nick – his unrelenting passion for his job, the emotions he was never afraid to show the world, the desire he had to protect her and the world from the ugliness of crime – was starting to get out of control. He was falling too far and starting to become someone she no longer recognised. Someone she worried constantly about. He was pushing himself deeper into his undercover world while pulling himself further away from her and their marriage.

_At least now he knows that I think this _Jennifer mused, thinking back to their confrontation the night before.

Matt led her into the kitchen and closed the door. She stood dazed and useless by his side until he pulled out a chair for her and gently made her sit down before sitting himself down next to her.

"I think at least part of the reason this isn't working Matt," Jen admitted in a whisper, her head still down. "Is because Nick is scarcely ever here with me, holding my hand and being a part of the experience. It's really no wonder it isn't working isn't it?" She sighed, looking at him and then back down at her hands on the table top. "A child needs two parents."

Matt nodded solemnly, agreeing with her. "You need to tell this to Nick," he encouraged her gently. He had no clue that the reason Nick wasn't always there holding Jen's hand was because he was away on potentially the most dangerous undercover mission he'd ever undertaken and not just bogged down in paper work at the Drug Squad.

Jen nodded. "I know."

They sat together silently for a few minutes before Matt got up and poured them both glasses of water. As he turned off the taps at the sink Jennifer looked up and over at him. "Why do you care about me so much?" she questioned.

Matt shrugged. "We're best friends," he replied simply, sitting down again. "And I can't help it." He hesitated, wondering if he should go on. "You still make my heart skip a beat Jen."

Her eyes widened as she looked at him, genuinely surprised to hear this admission.

He continued, nervously playing with his water glass. "Even though you're married and you love someone else and you're having a family with them…I still feel it."

She exhaled ruefully and sat back in her chair, holding her glass in her lap. She gave a tiny shrug. "It's taking so long. I don't know if we will ever have a baby. I'm starting to lose hope. Maybe it's not meant to be."

Matt could see how devastating this realisation was for her and straight away wanted to gather her in his arms and let her cry if that was what she felt she needed to do. But she gallantly fought on and stood up from the table. "Tell Wolfey I need some personal time today would you?"

Matt nodded, promising her.

"Thanks Matt."

He nodded again, looking away from her.

"No really," she insisted as she stood at the door.

He looked up hopefully.

"It means a lot to me that you're here," she said softly. "And that you're looking out for me so much." She smiled as she walked away.

_Oh Jennifer_ he thought. _I should've made my move years ago. _

He too got up and walked from the kitchen.

_You were the one that got away._

As Jennifer dragged her weary body out of the car later that day and grabbed her bag off the front seat, she wondered where Nick was right then, and when she would ever get to talk to him properly and when she wasn't feeling strung out hormonal.

She walked towards the letterbox at the end of their driveway and reached her hand inside, pulling out the pile of bills and junk mail.

"Jen?"

It was Shay's voice, soft yet nearby. Jennifer straightened up and saw her emerging from behind the car on the other side of the driveway.

"Hi Shay," she greeted her equally as softly, sticking the mail under her arm. "What's up?" She didn't even bother asking her if she really should be there on Nick and Jen's front lawn.

"I just wanted to check to see if you were all right," she admitted, frowning.

"Why?" Jennifer pressed half heartedly.

"Look," Shay began. "I don't know what's going on with you and Nick, but something's clearly not working and…I just thought you should know that he hates this as much as you do. He really, really hates it. And I'm sorry we spend so much time away. Nick can't stand it. He never stops talking about you Jen," she smiled kindly.

Shay continued. "I don't know much about much, but I do know that he is _wracked _with guilt over how this assignment is keeping you guys apart. And in case he's a typical man, and can't get out his feelings to you, I just wanted to make sure that you knew, and if it had to come from me, then, well, it had to. I can tell how much Nick loves you Jen. Please don't hold this whole undercover saga against him. I can tell he'd always rather be with you. He's still so besotted by you. I've never witnessed such devotion."

Jen could only smile. It was what she needed to hear.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 27 The Flicker  
>"I hate how you never call," Jen stated as they drove towards the hospital several weeks later.<br>From where he sat behind the steering wheel he glanced over at her, nodding. "I know."  
>"You need to take a step back Nick," she insisted, begging him with her eyes. Jennifer had taken a step back from her usual relentless and heavy workload at Homicide in the last twelve months, and although she missed it, she felt her priorities shifting the more she and Nick tried to ease along with their life together. Now, remembering how Matt had told her she needed to be more up front with Nick, she didn't hold back. "I feel like I can never talk to you when I need to."<br>"I know… I'm sorry."

Want you to make me feel  
>Like I'm the only girl in the world<br>Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love  
>Like I'm the only one who knows your heart<p>

Nick parked the car by the entrance and got out, locking the door behind him. He stared at the car for a moment, almost giving in to the irony. They even had a family car already – just no family to put in it. He looked away sadly and joined Jennifer up on the footpath. He reached for her hand and she held it tightly as they walked up to the maternity ward together, silent and tense, not so much as a word spoken between them, wishing their situations could be reversed. It began to eat away at Nick and when they reached the right floor he turned to her.  
>"I'll meet you in there ok?" he asked. "I'll be back in a minute."<br>Jen gave him a confused look in return, but nodded and let go of his hand to continue to walk towards the room where Angela and Julian sat with their new daughter. Nick pushed his way into the mens room and splashed water on his face eagerly before looking up at himself in the mirror.  
><em>If<em>_I__want__this__so__much,__why__I__am__driving__her__away?__Why__am__I__not__doing__it__the__way__I__should__be?_  
>He stood at the basin, feeling confused and just a little bipolar at that moment. He seemed to constantly flip back and forth these days between living off the adrenalin he was getting from his work with Shay and longing to still make a family with his wife and have them both be happy. He just didn't seem able to devote himself entirely to one side.<br>A few minutes later, he exited the bathroom and walked towards room 204. As he approached, he still felt as torn as ever, but then he heard their voices. He stopped just short of entering the room and saw Jennifer with her back to him, her arms full, Julian and Angela around her, unable to wipe the smiles off their faces.  
>"Nick!" Angela welcomed him in with a wave of her hand. But as Jennifer turned around to see him, baby in her arms, he couldn't move.<br>_There__it__is_ he thought. He could only smile at her.  
>Her face full of emotion, she managed to eek out a smile back, their eyes connecting and able to read each others minds again. <em>This<em>_is__all__we__want.__This__is__what__our__future__could__be_ both thought simultaneously. Jen fought hard to push the lump in her throat down but couldn't for the life of her drag her eyes away from Nick's at the doorway. She even moved a finger up to allow the infant to grip on to without even looking down. If it weren't for the tiny little bundle in her arms right then she would've ran up to her husband and thrown her arms around him, whispering that she would always love him in his ear. The tension that had enveloped them both just five minutes earlier had now floated away.  
><em>Look<em>_at__how__naturally__this__comes__to__her_ Nick observed, a grin beginning to stretch from ear to ear across his face. He stepped into the room and towards where Jen stood, and looked down at the newly minted addition to Angela and Julian's family. She was petite and tiny, with a shock of strawberry blonde hair and an infinitely small nose. Her eyes were wide open and she stared at Nick intently. He was immediately enchanted and wondered what their daughter would look like if they ever had one.  
>"Isn't she gorgeous?" Jennifer whispered, their faces so close he could feel her breath tickle his face.<br>He could do nothing but nod, and there in the hospital room Jennifer finally saw a little flicker of the loving, beautiful man she'd married return.

"Thanks for the present guys!" Julian called as he waved them goodbye as they walked down the corridor and back towards the nurses station.  
>Nick and Jen waved back but when they were out of sight of the new father they stopped, Jennifer leaning gratefully against the wall. She reached her arms out to Nick and he pulled her into his chest, enveloping her frame. They stood still like that for several minutes, quietly contemplating.<br>Nick pulled away slightly and looked Jen in the eye. "Please let's just try one more time," he pleaded with her. "I saw in there what we could have Jen, and I want it for us so much." He sounded desperate and broken, the scars from their failures still visible.  
>Jennifer nodded slowly. "So do I."<p> 


	11. Chapter 11

Thankyou so much to those who have reviewed! I agree 100% with MaggieMay – I really love reviews and they make this worth writing. Please do leave one, good or bad, if you have read the fic. I check every day, sometimes several times a day, to see if anyone has left their thoughts, as it really makes my day!

Enjoy!

Chapter 28 Under the Cover of Darkness  
>Three nights later Nick and Shay again found themselves in the green room of Lolita, enjoying a winding down drink with Grant as the rest of the staff locked up. They were a mere half an hour away from dawn, and the punters had started to trickle home, forming long queues outside taxi ranks, the girls holding their heels in their hands, their feet throbbing and sore from hours of dancing and partying. From behind the bar Shay had watched them all leave, noticing the way they all cringed as they walked out the door and on to the shady, blustery street, so biting was the wind on that wintry Saturday night. Shay was more than grateful to be inside away from the piercing gale that penetrated even the thickest of skins.<br>Nick sat with his arm around Shay's shoulders on a plush, deep red coloured velvet couch. The clothes she wore were skimpier than ever, and he wondered how her teeth were not chattering, even indoors. He admired her dedication to the assignment and had noted of late how much she had transformed herself from young cop right out of the academy into a sex on legs stunner who never failed to grab any man's attention. The transformation was nothing short of remarkable and if it weren't for the fact they were working together almost everyday, Nick would never have recognised her as the same person he had been introduced to that day in the Drug Squad headquarters.  
>Shay's way of dress had garnered her plenty of attention from Grant and Joel too, especially of late, and she had quickly become Grant's chosen one. She had been hired to work behind the bar but she was scarcely ever there because she and Nick were constantly schmoozing with Grant and his associates, doing deals and attending parties. All some dealers needed was a pretty girl to seal the deal - and Grant was using Shay to do just that. The thought disgusted Nick, but Euan knew it was necessary and common practise in this world. Still, Nick always made sure Shay never lowered her standards that much and let a deal be sealed <em>that<em> way. Requel was sought after and lavished with praise by Grant's associates and Nick knew without Shay they wouldn't be having nearly as much success as they were. Her negotiating skills and powers of persuasion were working wonders, and she and Nick felt they were finally getting somewhere.  
>Nick was eager – much more eager than Shay, who at times he noticed almost revelled in her character, lapping up the opportunities and loving the attention being Requel bought her, so immersed was she in being someone else – to squirrel out the crooked from the straight and wrap this operation up as soon as possible. He knew Jen disliked how long the assignment had stretched on for, and he wanted to settle down and give baby making another go as much as she did. But the undercover clock ticked at half the speed of normal clocks, Nick quickly discovered.<br>When a knock sounded at the door a moment later, Nick was shaken out of his reverie and looked at Shay. The look on her face was filled with excitement, eager to get her claws deeper into the underworld. Sometimes, her eagerness worried Nick, even though he often felt the same rush, and often had trouble containing it.  
>Grant nodded at one of his hangers on and the door was opened. The light out in the hall was practically non existant, not allowing Nick and Shay to see who stood there. But Grant welcomed them in earnestly.<br>Five strapping men, one of whom was Joel Christie, the rest a mixture of young and old, casually entered the room, their eyes low, their swagger obvious. Grant shook all their hands warmly, even embracing the two older men, like they were old friends. Nick and Shay watched on, wondering who they were and waited patiently to be introduced.  
>"Euan, Requel," Grant said after at least five minutes of exclusion. The pair got up obediently from the couch, Nick's arm sliding down Shay's back to rest on her hip, only just above where her tight black mini dress ended. He could feel her body lift up as she took a deep breath in and they greeted the group.<br>Their act, perfected over so many months now, was now flawless, and Nick knew they looked believable, and would be easily able to do business with this group. With each new person he met, he was introduced to their friends and their friends of friends, expanding the network infinitely. Nick knew it was only a matter of time before one of those friends of friends of Joel's or Grant's or somebody else's was a crooked cop he and Shay could get to work at nailing.  
>The meeting was short, but huge foundations were laid. Nick and Shay knew this would be their biggest haul yet and information was eagerly exchanged about what Nick and Shay had on offer to sell, how much the group wanted and when any deals could be done. Within ten minutes the group was gone, but Nick and Shay both noted eagerly how they exited the room with lingering looks, hungry to do business with the glamourous looking pair Grant Jost had now taken under his wing.<p>

As they slipped out the side entrance a little while later into the first rays of morning sun, Nick grinned hard at Shay, taking her hand and shaking it. He may have wanted this operation wrapped up but he still had brief moments where he got as excited about things as Shay did.  
>"We're <em>so<em> in baby," he whispered enthusiastically to her.  
>Shay nodded, knowing he was right. But a peculiar, worried look had overtaken Shay's pretty features and Nick frowned at her.<br>"What's wrong?" he asked quietly as they walked through the still city on the cusp of daybreak.  
>Shay frowned, looking into Nick's eyes with concern. "I think we're a lot deeper in than you think."<br>"Why?" Nick stopped on the footpath.  
>Troubled, Shay exhaled. "One of those guys was a cop."<p> 


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 29 On A Wing and a Prayer  
>"Nick?" came Jen's quiet voice, slightly muffled against his chest.<br>"Mmm?" he replied, super content in their position together on the bed. After Shay's revelation outside Lolita, she and Nick had retreated back to their motel to debrief yet again, this time in earnest, as Shay came to terms with the shattering blow of disappointment that pounded her all the way home from the club – she had recognised one of the men they'd been introduced to as someone who had run a lecture she'd attended at the academy. So early in her career, everyone with a higher rank than her instantly gained her respect, and she looked upon them all as mentors, eager to follow in their footsteps and do the badge, and the great state of Victoria, proud. So to see one of those people embroiled in the drug trade she and Nick had been recruited to clean out, was a huge shock and a crushing let down for the young woman.  
>Nick understood her feelings, remembering how many of his former superiors had let him down in the past. He tried to calm her as they sat on the beds in the motel room. He took her hands in his and demanded her attention with just one look into her eyes. "Don't let it affect the job we're doing Shay. As long as you have your loyalty, your integrity, that's all that matters. If other people want to throw theirs away and betray the badge by becoming bent then that's their decision. Don't let it deter you." She had nodded at him solemnly, the disappointment and hurt still very evident in her eyes, and promised to do what he said.<br>He had later deposited her into a taxi and sent her home to her unassuming parents, arranging to meet her on Monday evening back at the motel. When he'd changed his clothes and transformed himself back into Nick Buchanan as much as he could, he made for home himself. He decided to walk there, despite the weather being chilly and miserable that Sunday morning, but spurred on by the fact Jen would be waiting for him, happy to see him again.  
>He walked along the road, his shoulders hunched over, his face almost completely hidden by the hood of a baggy jumper. His hands were shoved in his pockets and he didn't lift his line of vision far above the ground at his feet. He plodded along, thinking about everything that had developed over the last month or so. The longer the operation went on the more paranoid he felt, but the closer to nabbing people he knew they were. It was a conflicting emotion to feel – happy and scared at the same time. He desperately wanted to be free of it, and thought instead to his wife, waiting at home for him, and quickened his pace toward their suburb.<br>He stopped in at a bakery on his way home, and picked out some raspberry and white chocolate muffins – Jen's favourite – and lined up silently at the counter to pay. As he stood there waiting his turn he dug in his pockets for some money, but found he had none. _I__'__ll__just__use__my__card_ he thought to himself before stopping. As a safety measure Nick no longer carried any cards with him, whether they said Nick Buchanan or Euan Kennedy. He dealt purely in cash these days – it was just the way things were done in the underworld.  
>But now he had nothing to pay for his purchase with. He dug deeper into the pockets of his jeans, desperate. Nothing. Wanting to surprise Jen so badly with breakfast, he shoved his hands into his back pocket, hoping to find a scrunched up bill. He breathed a sigh of relief when he pulled out a severely crumpled ten dollar note.<br>By 9am he was home and entered the house quietly. The moment he set foot in their bedroom, Jen's eyes fluttered open and they smiled at each other. The entire day was theirs and theirs alone. They shared their breakfast together and spent the rest of the morning snuggling deep within the covers, enjoying just being close again. He missed sleeping beside her every night.  
>"I think if it doesn't work this time, we should…" she whispered, choking on her last words, not able to say out loud their worst fears. She breathed in and out a few times before continuing. "There are other ways Nick…or maybe, maybe it's just not meant to be."<br>He looked at her, knowing how hard that was for her to say. There was a reason he'd never admitted it out loud either. It was too horrible a thought.  
>But Nick knew she was right. He held her closer to him, kissing her hair at the crown of her head. "I know," he whispered in just as hushed a tone as she had. "But I promise you this time I'll do it the right way. I'll be with you every step of the way. I promise."<br>Jen nodded and smiled in his embrace, feeling herself relax at last.

The following day Nick and Jen made their final trip to the specialists for their last ditch attempt at IVF. Jennifer felt a million times more confident with Nick by her side, but knew medically, this could still fail, no matter how good she felt after all of Nick's promises. She tried to keep a lid on her emotions, keen again not to jinx their chances in any way.  
>As they approached the entrance, Nick stopped Jen momentarily before they went inside. She stood in front of him, questioning. But at first he couldn't find the right words. Or any words. He just stared at her, taking in her unrelenting beauty.<br>Finally he squeaked out what lay deepest in his heart. "I don't know if I can do this anymore Jen," he admitted. Together they sighed, his wife understanding of the incredible strain the last few years had been. "If it doesn't work this time…" he couldn't go on, taking several heart wrenching moments to pull himself together. He smiled down at her at last. "But no matter what happens Jen, I want you to know that nothing means more to me than you." He placed a light kiss on her forehead and she shut her eyes momentarily. "And being with you forever." His voice cracked as he held her face in his hands.  
>Jen bit her lip for a second and then beamed, falling in love with him all over again. She reached her arms around his neck and they locked lips passionately. "I love you so much," she whispered, their faces infinitely close as they drew out of the kiss. "I know we can do this…let's go."<br>A few minutes later, Nick snuck an appreciating smile at her as they sat down in front of the doctor and squeezed her hand lovingly. This was their last chance.  
>Cos I am the last one<br>And the curse stops here  
>The curse stops here<p>

Shay knew it wasn't a good idea. But it was so close she could almost touch it._Imagine__how__stoked__Nick__'__ll__be__if__I__can__come__to__him__tonight__with__some__more__info_ she thought as she made her way to the back entrance of Lolita. She'd lain in bed all morning, listening to her parents and her sister shuffle round the house, trying to be quiet for her benefit 'because she'd just come off night shift' she told them, and thought about what their operation needed to move forward. She couldn't for the life of her sleep, though she did try for a very long time, so instead made her way to Grant Jost's territory, alone, arriving just after 3pm.  
>What she walked in to was the last thing she expected to see.<p> 


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 30 Ripe for the Picking  
>Nick and Jen had spent their entire day together, trying to remain positive about their treatment and enjoying each others company. Jen spurred Nick on, constantly telling him that she thought this time they'd be lucky. Her positivity perked him up remarkably, and when he kissed her goodbye after they shared an early dinner together, and went to meet up with Shay, he felt the strongest urge he'd ever felt to just stay at home in normalcy instead of going out onto the mean streets dressed as someone he wasn't. But he knew Shay would be waiting for him, and he reluctantly bade Jennifer farewell.<br>Within half an hour he was at the motel, its surroundings now so familiar, yet not resembling anything he liked or wanted to be around. This was not a home for the undercover duo, he decided. It was simply a place to crash whenever they needed it. One could not call this place a home. He turned his nose up at it all as he shoved the key in the lock and walked inside the small room. A stale smell hung in the air, and Nick began to question if the room was really serviced daily like the front desk had assured him it would be.  
>As 7pm approached Nick began to look at his watch. They had a lot to discuss that night, and he wanted to get on with it. But he also knew Shay never ran to a schedule, and was always late. He rolled his eyes as he flicked on the television and reclined on the bed to wait for her.<p>

Karen Hatzic walked into the Homicide headquarters grinning. She knew they'd be happy to hear about this one. She sauntered casually over to where Matt and Duncan sat, trying to look enthused about tackling their paperwork.  
>"I've come to save you my friends!" Karen proclaimed jovially, still smiling. She sat on the corner of Duncan's desk and handed him a post-it note. "It's time you were let out of the cage tonight." Matt and Duncan smiled at each other, grateful to be pulled away from the mundane and quiet office environment on their night shift. "We've got a body."<br>Matt and Duncan had gathered their things before she'd even finished her sentence.

Matt frowned down at the body, feeling pity and anguish for this beautiful girl's parents. She was so young. How could she possibly have ended up in the tiny space between a skip bin and a brick wall out the back of a take away chicken restaurant, black garbage bags bursting with rubbish thrown on top of her? _How__does__a__person__ever__come__to__dying__this__way?_ He thought to himself sadly.  
>He and Duncan bent down to closer examine the body, Ronnie at their backs, sighing inwardly. All three murmured about the callousness of the killing, noting the way the torso had been riddled with bullets, making what she was wearing almost unrecognisable, and the way her face was frozen in fear and surprise up until the very last moment. Her expression gave Matt a particular chill he had seen only too often in the young kids of this city – they never expected to get into trouble, or get given a hot shot, or get gunned down in the street, or bashed in a nightclub queue. They all thought they were invincible and untouchable. This one was clearly no different.<br>Matt stood up, his brow still furrowed, his expression sad and troubled. He turned to the uniform at his left. "Get your crew out on the streets, asking everyone who this girl was. I want a name to go with her face." His instructions were clear, and the uniforms scurried away to canvas the streets of the city.

By midnight Nick was beside himself, and unsure of where to turn. He wanted to call her, but had the uncomfortable feeling that that may not be a good idea. If she could disappear then so could he if it became known who he was through him trying to raise her on her phone.  
>He wanted to go to Lolita and see her familiar face behind the bar, but he knew the place wasn't open on Monday nights. He wanted to go to Joel Christie's, but didn't feel confident, nor safe, going there alone. He wanted to ring Tony Eastough, convey his fears to someone who would listen and understand, but he worried his fears were unwarranted.<br>So he sat alone on the edge of the bed all night long, looking over at Shay's bed, her little overnight bag sitting silently on the table beside it where she had last left it.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 31 A Name to the Face  
>Matt and Duncan looked painfully at each other, their expressions cold and disappointed. It was 8am – almost twelve hours had passed and they still had no name for their body. The more time that passed the guiltier Matt felt towards her parents, whoever they were, and wherever they were, completely unaware their daughter was now in the morgue.<br>Suddenly Matt's mobile phone buzzed, jolting the two men from their slumped positions at the briefing table. Matt pressed the phone to his ear eagerly.  
>"Karen?" he asked expectantly.<br>Matt nodded into the phone, scribbling down what the sergeant told him before hanging up and looking jubilantly at his colleague across the way. "They got her name."  
>The two sprang from their desks and almost collided with Jen as she walked into the desk area, her jacket still wrapped tightly around her, her hair slightly messy from the morning wind. She was feeling refreshed from several days off, and positive about her health, and had been keen to get to work that morning to put her energy to good use.<br>"Woah!" she cried, jumping back. "Where's the fire?"  
>Duncan and Matt offered hurried apologies and sprang on Matt's desk. Jennifer frowned at their actions. As Matt opened the search page and began typing in the name, Duncan finally filled Jennifer in.<br>"We got a cold one last night," he informed her as she sat down at her desk nearby, offloading her handbag and jacket. "Super young, probably only 20, if that, shot and thrown behind a dumpster out the back of a take away chicken joint. They tried to hide her with more garbage," he explained, turning his nose up in disgust at the way the perpetrators had tried to cover up their crime. "Manager of the place found her, about 9pm."  
>Jennifer nodded, still feeling removed from the investigation that had so far been entirely in Matt and Duncan's hands. She turned on her computer and settled in to her seat as Matt read the name out sombrely.<br>"Requel Farinacci," he told Duncan and Jennifer. They looked at him, no recognition in their faces. Matt continued. "And her slate is completely blank. No priors, no history, nothing. No life at all it seems. There aren't even contact details. No medical history, licensing details, employment history, next of kin." Matt looked thoroughly confused. He turned to Duncan, scratching his head. "What, did she just arrive on the planet before she was killed or something?"  
>Duncan shrugged, as confused as Matt. Both stood up and headed back to the briefing room, Jennifer hot on their heels. "Well, at least we have a name to go with her face now," Matt said, trying to feel good about such a small victory. He wrote her name on the whiteboard in large capital letters and then reached over to the table, rifling through the files and papers that were scattered all over its top. After a few seconds he pulled out the crime scene photo, now lamenated and magnetised, and let it attach itself to the whiteboard above his handwritten scrawl.<br>When Jennifer saw the face she felt her blood run cold. She hadn't recognised the name, but she sure as hell recognised that face.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 32 Playing Pretend  
>Jennifer was surprised at how quickly her police instincts kicked in after that moment. She was unexpectedly ready with an answer when Matt turned to her. "Know her Jen?" he asked innocently.<br>"Nope," she replied calmly and steadily. She couldn't tear her eyes away from the picture – beautiful little girl Shay, wrenched from her happy 21 year old's world. Her heart ached as she came to terms with the death of someone she had become so close to. How could this have happened?  
>"Was there anybody else with her? Who is she? What does she do? Where is she from?" she peppered them with questions. She knew the answers to half her questions already, but wanted to know as much as she could from Matt and Duncan.<br>"I looked her up just before Jen," Matt replied, confused. "There's nothing. No history, no priors. She was found alone. It's like she didn't even exist before last night."  
>As the three looked sadly at the photo on the whiteboard, Stanley and the rest of the team walked in, ready to be briefed. As they noisily took their places, rearranging chairs, setting down morning coffees, peeling off winter layers and talking amongst themselves, Jennifer slipped unnoticed from the room and ran for the bathroom.<br>She burst into a stall and slammed the door shut behind her, locking it hastily. She flattened herself against the cool marble wall, her hands flat against it as well as her right cheek. She breathed hard, her eyes wide. _Shay's dead. She's dead. She is Nick's partner and she's dead._ The revelation ran through her head over and over, tormenting her. _So where is Nick? Was he with her? Did he escape? Is he dead too?_  
>And with that thought she threw her head over the toilet bowl just in time and threw up.<p>

Ten minutes later a knock came at the door of Jennifer's stall. Jennifer sat atop the closed toilet seat, not wanting to move, but desperately wanting to know what had happened to Nick.  
>"Jen?" Allie asked softly. Jen could see Allie's heeled Mary Jane's at the gap at the bottom of the door. They didn't move as she waited for Jen to answer. But when she didn't Allie went on. "Matt wants you to go with him back to the crime scene. He's waiting downstairs for you."<br>Jennifer got up reluctantly and licked her lips, trying to ignore the acidic taste that now clung to them from her vomit. She unlocked and opened the stall door and Allie stepped back to allow her access to the sinks.  
>She frowned at her colleague. "You right Jen?" Allie's naturally suspicious mind was already at work.<br>Jennifer splashed water on her face and nodded, looking at Allie in the mirror. "Yeah, just not feeling the best," was all she would divulge.  
>Allie looked back at her wearily, not letting up. She narrowed her eyes and threw her a stare in the mirror so intense that Jennifer had to look away. "Throwing up before 9am? You're not preggers are you?" The rank, sweet smell of Jennifer's deposit in the toilet bowl, and her pale face and flushed cheeks had not escaped Allie Kingston's attention. If Jennifer's head had not been so preoccupied with the thought that her husband might be dead at that moment, she could've almost laughed, remembering back to another time Allie had been so blunt with her questioning accusations about whether she and Nick were shagging.<br>"No," Jennifer replied blatantly. She didn't know if that was the right answer of course, but she did know she'd thrown up just now because she'd just been faced with the very real possibility her husband had been murdered.  
>She pushed past Allie and walked back out into the hallway, breathing in and out as deeply as she could manage in an effort to calm herself. Allie stood at the bathroom door and watched her power walk away from her and down the hall.<br>As Jennifer stepped into the lift she knew what she had to do. It was going to be immensely difficult, but she had to do it. It was imperative that Jennifer pretend she had never laid eyes on 'Requel', didn't know her from a bar of soap, and that she wasn't worried about Nick and his whereabouts at all. If he was still alive, her keeping her mouth shut was possibly the biggest favour she could do for him right then. It would be the biggest advantage he could get, from anyone.

Matt and Jennifer stood by the dumpster and looked at the scene through narrowed eyes. The body now removed, little numbered placards sat all around them instead, identifying points of interest and evidence. Matt scribbled onto his clipboard his observations as Karen Hatzic approached, the look on her face grim.  
>"This girl is an even bigger mystery than why she was murdered is," Karen began. "Barely anybody has heard of her. The only way we got her name was through a survey a taxi driver asked her to fill out."<br>"Have you bought him in?" Jennifer pressed, trying not to let her distress show.  
>Karen nodded. "I reckon we've got all we can out of him. He didn't know much. Said he picked her up about two yesterday arvo and she asked to be dropped near Flinders Street Station. He said she was polite and seemed friendly, so he thought she'd be a good person to ask to do the survey as they drove. She happily filled it in he said, and that's how we found her name."<br>"Where did he pick her up from?" Jennifer's worry was getting harder to disguise the more she spoke. But she was so desperate for information.  
>Karen shrugged, knowing her answer wouldn't help the detectives a lot. "The McDonalds on McFarlene Street, Berwood. He said she was just waiting on the curb, exactly where she said she would be waiting."<br>Jennifer felt a little better inside – momentarily at least. At least Shay's real identity had not been compromised by her being picked up from her parents house by the taxi driver, she thought.  
>Matt spoke up. "And did anyone else recognise her?" he pressed. "You've been showing round her picture haven't you?"<br>Karen nodded. "The minions have been all over the city centre. And to Berwood and all the surrounding suburbs. Barely a peep. Only hit we got was a bouncer who works the door at a club called Dance Republic who said he recognised her face. He said she never came into the club but often walked past most nights, always dressed well – 'bloody hot as' – were his words I believe - and was always with an older guy."  
><em>Nick<em>, Jennifer's mind squealed.  
>Matt pounced on the new information. "An older guy? Boyfriend? Pimp?"<br>_No, just Nick. My Nick._ Jennifer shut her eyes briefly, thinking of her husband.  
>Karen shrugged. "The bouncer said he was probably in his mid thirties, maybe late thirties. He was always dressed well too and was pretty tall and strapping, with dark hair and fair skin. He couldn't give us much really though, in the way of a description." Karen looked at Matt and Jennifer forlornly. "But he reckoned they were definitely a couple. Said she was always hanging dramatically off his arm."<br>Matt nodded, taking it all in. He sighed. "So I'm guessing no luck locating or naming the boyfriend then?"  
>Karen shook her head. "He's the invisible man."<br>_No he's just my husband. And he's gotten in way too deep_. Jennifer's thoughts swam around her head like a whirlpool, fast and furious, confused and unstoppable.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 33 Drunk with Fear  
>Nick was beside himself. He'd sat on the edge of the bed all night and all morning, just waiting for Shay to walk through the door. But she never did, and now he was worried. She would never have missed a rendezvous with him unless something bad had happened. And considering she was now hours late, he knew something had.<br>By 5am he had given up. From the window of the motel room he watched the night sky begin to change colour, preparing for dawn. He knew he had to get out before that sun rose. He'd hurriedly packed his own bag with the few meagre possessions he had with him in the motel room, gathered together every trace of Shay and stuffed it into a separate bag and flown out of the room. He thought it best he make Euan Kennedy disappear as well, at least for today, and had made his way in the dark, dressed in his old detective's suit and tie, back to the house he shared with Jen. He knew she wouldn't be there, but he just wanted to be in their environment again, where he could smell her perfume, and see the marks of her life. He thought perhaps it could calm him down.  
>On the way he threw the bag containing Shay's belongings into a Salvation Army bin, wondering how he would explain it to Shay if he saw her again and she asked where her favourite black mini dress was.<br>Out in the suburbs, no one kept gangsters hours, and were all still tucked up in bed snoring when he approached the fringe of his community. He sat at a bus stop for three hours, not knowing where else to go, buying himself time, trying to make it look like he was just another businessman making his way into the city for work. He wanted to ensure Jennifer was already at work by the time he got back to their house, so as not to put her in any danger. Plus he needed time to think. The plan had suddenly turned on its head.  
>As the sun rose around him and the streets came to life, he watched on from his perch at the bus shelter, trying to ignore the cold that bit at his limbs and the worry that penetrated every fibre of his body. When he finally felt it safe to go to his home he took the most round about route he could think of, walking down back alleys and across playgrounds, through carparks and over verges. Finally he slipped into his own yard and made his way in through the back door, hoping feverishly that no one had been trailing him.<br>Pushing the uncomfortable thought of being watched from his mind, knowing it would not help his state, he showered and changed. But not even the warm water or gentle towelling down could ease the tension his whole body was wracked with. He stood gravely at the basin, looking at his reflection in the mirror._ I wish I'd never become Euan Kennedy,_ he thought to himself._ I should've known something bad would happen like this._ He didn't even know if anything bad had happened, but all the same, he felt trepidation just like he had that day he'd gone with Jennifer to meet Hartono in the busy mall.

Jennifer remained strikingly composed as they drove away from the scene, but inside she was reeling, sick to her stomach with fear. She looked over at Matt in the drivers seat and wondered if she should tell him the truth.  
><em>No<em>, she chided herself instantly. _But I do need to find out about Nick. Or at the very least have a moment alone to scream the house down._ "Matt?"  
>He looked over at her as he drove, his face friendly and unquestioning.<br>"Can you drop me at my place? I forgot some files this morning," she asked meekly.  
>"Can't you do without them? We really need to get back."<br>Jennifer shook her head vehemently. "I really can't," she insisted, trying not to give herself away. "I'll just drive myself back…Nick didn't take his car today," she lied. "I'll be ten minutes behind you." Her voice was almost pleading.  
>"Okay," Matt relented, indicating to turn into the main road a few blocks from her place.<br>She flashed him a grateful smile. "Thanks Matty," she gushed. "I owe you one." _I really do_ she thought inside.

There was no mistaking the sound of the door opening. Nick bristled at the sink, holding his breath and listening for more. He couldn't move.  
>Jennifer walked silently up the hallway and into the bedroom and noisily exhaled when she saw Nick's clothes and shoes in a heap by the ensuite door. They had not been there when she had left a few hours earlier. "Nick?" she called out timidly, for some reason still creeping around the room.<br>The bathroom door opened a crack and her head snapped up. Nick looked at her with wide eyes for a second before opening the door all the way. Jennifer practically jumped onto him, slinging her arms tightly around his neck in desperation.  
>"I thought you were dead, I thought you were dead," she cried into his shoulder, repeating the phrase over and over again, her wave of worry being properly unleashed at last.<br>He held her just as tightly and finally felt himself begin to breathe normally again after his harrowing night and morning. He squeezed his eyes shut as they hugged and had never felt so comforted to have her body up against his. She wept into his shoulder for several minutes as he came to realise what he had feared was probably true.  
>When they finally pulled apart, he felt his knees go wobbly and he held onto as much of his wife as he still could without actually embracing her.<br>Jennifer felt the fear in his grip on her arms and around her back. They still stood chest to chest, her hands holding his face, then resting on his upper chest then back to his face again. She couldn't stop touching him, as if ensuring he was definitely real, definitely standing in front of her, and hadn't suffered the same fate that Shay had.  
>"Are you ok?" she whispered, still feeling the tears of relief fall down her cheeks. She ran her fingers across his forehead, delicately tracing his eyebrow with her pointer finger. She was almost trembling.<br>He nodded. "But I don't know where Shay is."  
>Jennifer felt her heart fall down her chest cavity. She frowned even harder at him. "Oh Nick…" as she began his knees finally gave way and together they folded to the floor, unnoticing of the cold tiles beneath them. Jennifer knew he'd probably already worked it out. "She's dead."<br>Nick looked at her with an expression she'd never had the misfortune of having to see before, from anyone. The fact it came from her husband only made it worse. He looked devastated, afraid, guilty and lost all at the same time. It was the most haunting look she'd ever witnessed, and she just had to look away. So she pulled him to her again and held him close there on the bathroom floor.  
>A few minutes later when she thought he had perhaps calmed down a little, and allowed the shocking news to sink in, Jennifer let go of Nick slightly and looked at him sympathetically. His face had a look that was crushed beyond repair, distraught and disbelieving. She lurched herself up to a standing position, pulling him with her. He got up reluctantly, a dead weight to drag up on her own, and she struggled, but persisted. "C'mon Nick," she encouraged. "Come on."<br>He allowed himself to be led out of the bathroom and back into the bedroom where she eased him onto the bed. He seemed unable to do anything for himself, and so she tucked him into the cosy nest of blankets and cowered down with him for a moment, feeling a responsibility to make sure he was ok.  
>He turned his head gingerly on the pillow to look at her sadly. "The one day we don't work together and look what happens Jen."<br>She frowned sadly, nodding. "I know."  
>"And I can't even tell her parents."<br>"I know."  
>She kissed his cheek and stroked his forehead as he lay there, miserable, not responding to her touches.<br>"I need to go back to work Nick," she explained reluctantly. "I have to. I have to go and pretend I don't know who Shay is, and what she was doing, and the fact that she was always seen with you."  
>He nodded.<br>She kissed him again, this time on the lips. "And you have to soldier on Nick."  
>He just sighed and looked away, not wanting to accept his new fate. She let him look out the bedroom window but after a few moments she pulled his face back to face hers. "Do you understand me?" she insisted, still frowning. "I know that this should never have happened. And I know that you blame yourself. But the fact of the matter is, you still need to keep up the act. You're still undercover. It can't just all stop because your partner's dead. That'd give the game away." It was a harsh reality to accept, for them both, but Jen knew that she was right in saying it. She knew how undercover worked. And she still hated that Nick was part of it, but if he had to be, then…well, he had to do the job properly.<br>"Take some time out Nick," she whispered into his ear as she got off the bed. "But then go back and figure this all out. Just get it done."  
>"Okay," he replied limply, watching after her with a longing look as she left the room.<br>Jennifer didn't want to go back to Homicide and she didn't want Nick to go back out onto the streets, but sometimes, she reasoned, we just have to do things we don't want to do.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 34 Often Sought, Seldom Found

"I just don't get how she has like, no history," Allie stated, annoyed. She had a look on her face like she wanted to stamp her feet and throw a tantrum. She was not used to having so little to work with. But the case of Requel Farinacci was perplexing everyone.

Matt was trying to remain optimistic, and took a deep breath in preparation. "Well we're just going to have to work harder at filling in the blanks." He looked at Allie and a recently returned Jen. "You two head down to those clubs she was seen around and ask more questions. It might even be worth sticking round til dark to see what you can get out of the nightowls."

"Now you're just making yourself sound old sarge," Allie smiled, teasing. "Your clubbing days are over aren't they?"

Matt laughed heartily in answer. "They were over a lonnnnnngggg time ago Detective."

Jennifer raised her eyebrows, standing up from her seat. "Well so were mine Matty!" she made it sound light hearted, but really it was a ploy to stay in the office and remain neutral and seemingly unattached to this case. Plus she didn't really want to be anywhere near where Shay had been found. Ever again. It reminded her all too much of the danger Nick was constantly in.

Matt smiled apologetically over at her and shook his head. "Sorry Jen, Rhys is at the morgue and Duncan is chasing up that bouncer from Nation of Dance."

"_Dance Republic_," Allie corrected him, rolling her eyes and slapping him playfully on the shoulder as she walked out of the room.

"Whatever," Matt grinned. "Just please come back with something we can work with."

"Will do sarge," Allie called as she walked away, raising a hand to wave. Reluctantly Jen followed.

Matt continued to smile to himself. It was nice the way they could all get on like this nowadays. The disastrous first stint as sergeant was now just a distant memory, and he was glad. It was one part of his life he now had sorted and where he wanted it. But there were still some major parts missing.

Jennifer and Allie walked into Lolita late that afternoon and found it disparingly empty. The two detectives looked around and squinted their eyes. The place was so dimly lit it was hard to make out anything, and Allie had already stubbed her toe, swearing in pain as they entered.

Suddenly a large figure stepped in front of them, making the two stop short. Jennifer almost gasped.

"Can I help you?"

Allie smiled a closed mouth smile. "We're looking for the owner."

"That'd be me," the man stuck out his hand and shook both the women's hands firmly. "Grant Jost."

"Detectives Buchanan and Kingston," Jennifer stated, taking mental pictures of this imposing and charming man in her head.

"What can I do for you?" he asked. Jennifer noticed for the first time the cigar in Grant's hand, and instantly made the connection. The smell it illicited was the smell that always clung to Nick's clothes whenever he came home. She shuddered inwardly and felt a tingle of apprehension and fear in the pit of her stomach as they stood face to face. She could feel two worlds uncomfortably colliding.

Allie spoke up. "We're investigating the death of a young woman."

Grant leaned his head in further to their huddle, devoting his complete attention to Allie's words.

"She was found a few doors down this morning – she'd been shot."

Jennifer spoke up, feeling the same responsibility to Shay as Nick was. "Her name was Requel Farinacci."

Grant's reaction was worthy of an Academy award, devastated, yet refined, and sad enough to prompt sympathy from the detectives but not too over the top that it was dramatic. Jennifer and Allie were impressed.

Grant walked back to the bar and sat down slowly on a stool, his cigar wielding hand to his knee, his frown intricate and heavy. He nodded, looking forlornly at the detectives. "I know her…knew her."

"What was your relationship with her?" Allie pressed, sitting on the opposite stool.

"She worked behind the bar for me – been here less than a year," he answered. "But she was terrific. Knew her drinks. One of the best workers I've ever had. Is she really dead?"

"She really is," Allie replied, sighing.

Jennifer stood at Allie's shoulder, feeling uncomfortable. Being in this club was too close for comfort for Jennifer – it was too close to Shay, and to Nick. She didn't want to be part of it, especially when she was asking questions about a person who didn't really exist. "Do you know who might want to kill Requel?" she asked bluntly, trying to speed things along.

Grant shook his head. "She was a gorgeous girl. Just a gorgeous girl…" he drifted off, seemingly lost in his grief.

"Mr Jost," Jennifer purposely ignored the man's show of emotion and pressed on. "We've heard she was often seen with an older man, mid thirties, dark hair, well dressed." Jennifer couldn't believe she was having to ask such a question, when truly, inside, she already knew the answer. But it was all for show – to protect Nick and Shay's operation.

Grant nodded. "She bought her boyfriend in once…I think he was her boyfriend anyway." He took a drag on his cigar and signalled for a drink from one of the girls behind the bar. "He came in the night I hired her. Seemed nice enough. But I never saw him again after that."

_Bullshit _Jennifer thought. _Nick would've been in here every night with Shay – he would never have left her side, I know he wouldn't. Plus, he came home smelling like your cigars every single day. Don't try to tell me you only met him once!_ She regarded him through narrow eyes, knowing full well he was lying.

Allie accepted his answer much more than Jennifer did, and encouraged him to continue. "Did she ever talk about him?" she asked. Grant shook his head, taking a short sip of his drink. "Mention anything about her friends? Her background? Her family?"

Grant shook his head again and again. "She just did a good job with a cocktail shaker ok? I didn't need to know where she went to school and when her birthday was," he insisted. "All I needed to know was that she could pour a drink."

A few minutes later the detective's wrapped up their conversation and headed back out the door, both feeling very different things. Jennifer was weary. Allie was disappointed and driven by her disappointment to stay on and find out more information about Requel and her mystery boyfriend. She turned to Jennifer as they walked back out into the late afternoon sun. "Well that got us nowhere," she explained uselessly. "Let's stay a little longer."

Jennifer knew she was right, and even though she didn't want to, again, she kept up her act, wanting to appear as gung ho to find Requel's killer as the rest of the Homicide team were. And she knew Allie wouldn't let up anyway, so she nodded, agreeing.

"Let's get some food first," Allie said. "I could eat _you_ I'm so hungry right now."

Jennifer knew they were in for a long night.

As Jennifer watched Allie stuff her face she thought back to Nick, and wondered what he was doing right then. Was he already back out in character? Or was he still curled up in their bed beating himself up about leaving Shay alone?

Jennifer's travelling thoughts were suddenly interrupted by Allie, who had finally come up for air, swallowed, and sat back in her seat in the small café they had taken up residence in to wait for the sun to go down and the clubbers to come out.

"So Jen," she asked, folding her arms on the table and throwing her colleague another one of those stares that always got people's attention. "_Are _you pregnant?"

"Allie!" Jennifer admonished her, never expecting such a personal question from anyone.

"Sorry, sorry!" Allie offered back. "But you know, you and Nick have been together for ages now. You're married. You've got a house. Isn't the next step a baby?" To Allie it was all so straight forward. She was so young, Jennifer thought.

_Of course it is the next step._

"I suppose," she lied in reply, not wanting to talk about it.

"What does Nick reckon?" she asked, smiling. She knew she was blunt and she knew she was tough, but secretly Allie Kingston still liked having a girly chat every now and again. And it's not like she was going to have it with the other woman she worked with – Bernice Waverly.

Jennifer relented, slightly. "He wants it," she admitted, not wanting to tell the whole story to Allie. "We're trying."

Allie grinned upon hearing Jennifer's reply. "Aw that's great!" she replied earnestly. She couldn't find anything else to say but the truth. Her voice lowered in seriousness. "You guys'd make great parents," she said softly, her voice honest and full of respect.

Jennifer pasted a smile on her face. What Allie was saying was right, so that's why she smiled. But she had to paste it on because only she and Nick knew just how hard making a family happen was.

When the hot young things finally started lining the streets, Jennifer and Allie left the sanctuary of the café and plunged into the crowds. Jennifer remembered back to her own clubbing days, as brief as they were in between all of her police training. _Didn't we just used to go out on Friday and Saturday nights? What's this Tuesday night business? _She tried to think of it as just her just being out of touch, not that she was old and therefore more suited to being a parent and staying in and reading her children bedtime stories on a Tuesday night.

As they rounded the corner back up to where Lolita stood, ready for the punters, both noticed a young blonde woman slam the side entrance of the club and storm off down the alleyway. "Hey!" Allie shouted. "Hey!"

The girl turned around, her face like thunder. "What do you want?" she asked, annoyed.

Jennifer and Allie jogged up to the girl who now stood under a street light. "Do you work here?" Allie asked.

"Not anymore I don't."

"Why not?" Jennifer questioned.

"Why do you want to know?" the girl asked, still pissed off.

"We're police. We're investigating the murder of Requel Farinacci," Allie explained as she flashed her badge in time with Jennifer.

"Murder?" the young girl was finally surprised.

Allie nodded as the girl got a far off look in her eyes, and relief swept over her face. "Wow…maybe it doesn't pay to be the teacher's pet," she murmured more to herself than Jennifer and Allie.

"What was that?" Allie punched in. "Did you say you work here?"

"I don't anymore," she answered, adjusting the bag on her shoulder. "

"Why not?" Jennifer asked a second time.

"'Cos I was sick of being ignored," she answered sullenly. "Only way you can get any extra work or attention in that place is to wear a short skirt, push your boobs out and deal some drugs for the boss. And I'm not into that stuff."

Allie and Jennifer exchanged looks of surprise, although Jennifer's was not as shocked as Allie's. She'd had a feeling all along, thanks to the slow connections she was making between Nick and Shay's world and the real world. "So you quit?" Jennifer asked.

"More like he kicked me out. Fired me. I just didn't get in quick enough to quit of my own accord."

"Did you know Requel…sorry, what was your name?" Jennifer interjected, getting back to the sore of their questioning.

The girl shrugged. "Freya Bradshaw. Yeah I knew her. When she first started we worked the bar together some nights. But she didn't stay long behind the bar…she was up Grant's arse too much."

"And you said Grant dealt drugs?" Allie queried.

Freya nodded. "Yeah, and Requel and Euan were his little sidekicks." She sighed, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it up. "I'm glad to be gone anyway. I don't want to be involved with that shit. Doesn't surprise me at all to hear Requel's dead. Not at all. She must've screwed something up, or he got suspicious of her or something and stopped trusting her. It was only a matter of time."

She hitched her bag up on her shoulder again and started walking away. She shook her head in knowing sadness. "Grant Jost might look and seem like a genuine guy, but biggest mistake I ever made was coming to work for him. If I could turn back time I'd never cross him."


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 35 So Much To Tell You

A month later Matt wondered how and why he'd ever thought they'd be able to crack the Farinacci case. It had come to a complete standstill, and he wanted to tear his hair out. In fact, Duncan and Allie and Rhys would probably do it for him, they were all so frustrated. And Jennifer was little help – some days completely useless on the job, her mind clearly elsewhere. But he didn't say anything. He knew that her whole life was not Homicide anymore the way it used to be, and like it still was his.

Nick was who she should've been sharing this moment with. But he wasn't home. He hadn't been home a lot at all in the last six weeks. Initially he'd taken a while to be able to go back to his assignment undercover, and Jennifer had worried that he was too defeated, too broken, to go on without Shay. His demeanour in the days following her death had certainly pointed to such an exit from Nick. But by the third day he snapped, finding motivation again, and taking on his Euan character with a new kind of gusto once more to complete the task he'd long ago set out to do. In the last fortnight he had become especially invisible to her, seldom in contact and certainly not sleeping beside her at night very often. The brief unity of strength and promises made just a month or two earlier were now just a memory, forgotten and not followed through. She didn't tell this to Nick though – mostly because she hadn't had a chance to see him for long enough to voice her concerns and feelings – but also because she didn't know how to interfere with his train of thought when he was being Euan. When he was Nick it was easy, but every time she saw him, every time he came home to her, it seemed like he was less Nick Buchanan and more Euan Kennedy. It scared her, and although she tried to not think about it, she knew that the longer Nick's undercover stint went on the more scared she would get. Because he was becoming someone she didn't recognise. And she still had no idea what he did when he was not with her. There were so many secrets. She knew they were in place to protect her, but they made her feel incredibly uneasy.

Things aren't the way they were before

You wouldn't even recognise me anymore

But Jennifer knew if she tried to stop Nick going out onto the street every night she would just place more distance between them. He couldn't be stopped in his job, not until he was satisfied it was over and he'd done all he could. It was relentless pursuit.

Further Jen had been forced to walk on egg shells for the past six weeks, not revealing what she knew about Shay to any of her colleagues at Homicide, who were still unable to pin down who had murdered Requel Farinacci and thankfully, not been able to find out who 'Euan' was. Nick was doing a good job clearly, of keeping on the down low. But Jennifer wanted so badly to spill all the beans, just to get it off her chest and share it with someone, but she knew she couldn't, and the stress was taking its toll on her. She worried it was all having an adverse affect on their final IVF attempt, and she fretted daily that they were in for another let down.

And now she wanted to share this moment with Nick, but couldn't. She thought about calling Angela, but decided against it, not wanting to have to explain to her where Nick was and why he wasn't there, why they hadn't caught up with Angela and Julian and baby Kate in ages, and why her own look had altered so dramatically in the last few months from the stress and worry that constantly plagued her.

So she sat in the bathroom alone with her five tests, scared and apprehensive. One by one she tore open the packaging, did what she needed to do and looked at her watch. And one after the other confirmed for her that she was in the family way. There was no way five tests could be wrong, she thought. No way. She walked out into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed in a daze. After a few minutes she looked up and over at the top of the chest of drawers opposite her and stared at the framed photograph from their wedding day that sat there quietly. She smiled to herself, feeling the excitement start to run through her veins.

She couldn't wait to tell Nick.

When Nick had first returned to the streets as Euan after Shay's death he had approached Lolita and Grant Jost with trepidation, wondering how he would explain himself to this powerful man. But Grant had understood, even sympathised when he had asked Nick where he'd been and what had happened to Shay and Nick had made up a story about Shay dumping him and running off with an ex boyfriend. And he was willing to go right back to finding Nick buyers and expanding his list of contacts.

Nick wanted to stay in the game, wanted to flush out the crooked cops he and Shay had touched on just before her murder, and he knew he had to remain close to Grant Jost to do it. So he continued to deal, working alone, continuing to sell high grade heroin to the high rollers who could pay for it. He stayed out later than he ever had with Shay, mixing with more people and playing with more money and drugs than he'd ever done as a Drug Squad cop. It was starting to take him over, but he wanted it to, so that he could finish the job off right – for Shay.

He didn't even notice that he was becoming more immersed in being someone else. Jennifer hadn't mentioned anything, so it didn't even occur to him that maybe he was getting in too deep. He almost couldn't have cared anyway – he was so driven to find justice, he would've done almost anything, no matter what the cost.

When Nick returned home two days later it was late and Jennifer was asleep. He slipped in effortlessly beside her. Less than four hours later he slipped out again. She woke up when the sun did, none the wiser that he had even been next to her briefly as she slept. He really was becoming the invisible man.

It wasn't until the following week that Nick finally made a trip home that occurred during civilised hours – not in the middle of the night. It was 7pm and Jennifer had just stepped into the shower when she heard the back door open and close. She smiled and waited for him to come and say hello.

A moment later he stuck his head in the steamy bathroom and mouthed a greeting at her. Her look in return made him step right into the bathroom and kiss her hello through the little crack she'd left open of the sliding glass shower door.

Jennifer knew this was the moment. They were rare enough as it was, so she wanted to take advantage of every one that came her way. As he leaned in to kiss her she grabbed at his shirt front with one hand and wouldn't let go.

"Jen!" he laughed, a little surprised by her forwardness. But she wouldn't let go and her come hither look made him hurriedly strip off his clothes and step into the shower with her. Together they stood under the showerhead and let themselves be rinsed down with the warm water as she ran her hands up over his head, slicking back his wet hair and then bringing his lips to hers again for a passionate exchange.

He smiled at her, remembering how much he had missed her lately. He was so focussed on undercover, it made married life difficult, and he knew he wasn't helping it by devoting himself so much to dealing drugs and making contacts and being away from home. She was all his, always just in their home, waiting for him, but he was giving up time he could be spending with her in an unrelenting pursuit to fight crime in the underworld. He kissed her just as passionately as she had him. It felt like they had barely seen each other since Shay's death.

They both breathed in and out heavily as they moved to be against the shower wall. He lifted her to be at his height and closer to him and she wrapped her legs around him, running her hands across his shoulder blades as he kissed her neck and chest. They didn't speak, too lost in reconnecting with each other after so much time spent apart. Jennifer eased her head back in pleasure as she revelled in the feelings Nick was creating in her.

When she placed her feet back on the ground, she wrapped her arms around Nick's hips and held him close to her. He still had his hands all over her – at her waist, over her shoulders, across her cheeks, in her hair, down her back. She'd never looked more attractive to him.

His touch was tender and loving, a feeling she'd really missed. She caught his lips in another kiss and then finally spoke, raising her voice enough to be heard over the running water. She smiled as they looked at each other.

"Baby do I look different?" she asked him, her arms still looped around his hips.

He smiled and answered quickly. "You look like a goddess."

Jen smiled harder, kissing him again and again. It had been a long time since he'd called her a goddess.

But she continued. "But do I look different?"

He frowned ever so slightly and gave her a curious look. She moved one of her hands from his hips to her middle and glided her hand across her stomach, it wet and glistening from the shower. She left it there and with her eyes guided his look to where her hand sat. "Nick I'm pregnant."

Even though they were in a hot shower, Jen felt a shiver run through Nick as he looked at her tiny hint of baby. He just looked on, speechless. Her heart soared with happiness and a moment later they locked gazes again and he asked her in disbelief. "Really?" he breathed, his face full of hope and longing.

She nodded, a lump rising in her throat as she did so. "Really," she confirmed, starting to cry. She dropped her head and wiped mindlessly at her cheeks, only smearing her happy tears with the water that still showered down on them both. He placed a kiss on her forehead affectionately, unable to stop smiling. It was a special moment, and Nick pulled her into his chest and they hugged tightly for a long time. "It's finally our time Nick," Jennifer whispered. "This is it."

As they lay close in bed together later that night, Nick hugged Jennifer to him tightly, stroking her hair and wanting to somehow let her know how thrilled he was about the news she'd told him. He struggled to find the right words, but then they came to him.

"Remember when we got Lance Hardwick, and Rhys said you really were good with kids?" he asked her softly.

She nodded in his hold, remembering the difficult case.

Nick continued. "He was so right Jen." He smiled down at her and she found herself unable to not smile back. "We were all thinking it – it's just he was the only one who said it out loud."

Her heart soared again and she smiled lovingly at her husband, appreciating the sentiment.

When later Nick fell asleep silently beside her, but she remained wide awake, Jennifer thought back to the day Nick had proposed. His hand had been trembling as he slipped the ring onto her finger and she was touched and swept off her feet at his show of emotion. She knew then that he meant what he said when he told her he loved her and wanted to be with her forever. Now, she knew when he became a father they'd share a moment that would equal that day he'd proposed.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 36 White Hot  
>Eight weeks later Nick found himself again in the green room at Lolita, sharing a drink with Grant Jost. The two men still shared a very business like relationship, and still got along well, just like they had when Shay had been alive. But today Grant seemed distant.<br>"Joel wants a meeting with you mate," Grant explained, neglecting his drink.  
>Nick nodded, all ears. "Yeah?" he asked. "Is something wrong?"<br>Grant shrugged, getting up and putting his glass back on the table by the door. "Nah I don't think so…actually I think he wants to step it up a bit. He just wants a chat. So I've organised a meeting for tonight, at his place."  
>Nick nodded, taking the information in and already preparing himself mentally. He had to be on his game and he knew it. This would be the first time he'd have to go to Joel Christie's without Shay. It was a little intimidating to be going partnerless.<br>"Are _you_ coming mate?" he asked Grant nonchalantly.  
>"Yeah," Grant replied. "Yeah, I'll be there."<p>

_Step__it__up_ Nick thought. _What__an__understatement_. He'd just spent a marathon three hours at Joel Christie's mansion discussing the biggest deal he'd ever done as Euan Kennedy. "My network likes what you can supply Euan," Joel had purred.  
>Nick was unsure how to pull such a big deal off, knowing somewhere, somehow he would have to stop supplying the drugs and start making arrests of the crooked cops he knew were buying his heroin through Joel, but who had yet to really show themselves. He wondered how to go about broaching the offer to Jeremy and Tony.<br>He shoved his hands in his pockets as he walked out of Joel Christie's front door alone. He was tired but couldn't seem to ever switch off these days. When he remembered to, he felt guilty that he couldn't switch off easily anymore and be the loving husband he was supposed to be. God knew Jennifer needed him. She was four months pregnant for goodness sake. And he wanted to be with her every second, but Euan kept getting in the way, and for some reason, he didn't stop it.  
>He was jolted out of his reverie by a menacingly hard shove in the back from behind. In the darkness he couldn't see who it was for a second, but when they turned him around brutally and shoved him again, this time into the solid brick wall that Joel had erected around his property, he saw very clearly.<br>The cop Shay had recognised stood threateningly over Nick, pushing him against the brickwork with an incredible amount of force. Nick shifted uncomfortably under his hold, trying desperately to worm out, but having no luck. He fought to maintain his character in front of the man.  
>"Mate! Maaaattteeee," he stuttered. "What's the go?"<br>"I know you're not the real deal," he spat harshly into Nick's face. "I know who you really are. I know who your girl was. And if you value anything in your life, you won't screw this up."  
>"Mate, what have you taken?" he tried to chuckle, but it came out sounding nervous and pathetic. "Are you trying to say I'm a cop?" He forced out a more credible laugh and was relieved to hear it did sound realistic. "Come on! Are you serious? What kind of cop could get you this much gear?" At that point Nick would say anything just to escape the grasp of this guy.<br>But the guy didn't buy it. "Just know that I'm watching you. Don't screw it up." He gave Nick one final blow in the guts. "Or there'll be hell to pay."  
>Nick doubled over in pain as he watched the guy walk back inside the house.<p>

Later he returned home and crawled into bed beside Jennifer. It was late, but his weight on the bed woke her and she smiled sleepily at him as he settled himself gingerly amongst the pillows. He forced a small smile on his face in return, but it only took her a heartbeat to notice his poor effort and pained movements. She sat up quickly.  
>"Nick, what's happened?" she demanded, turning on the bedside light, allowing it to illuminate their bedroom and highlight the pain etched into Nick's facial features. "What's happened to you? What have they done?" she placed a hand on his cheek and he closed his eyes at her touch briefly.<br>"I'm ok Jen," he insisted, easing himself down onto the pillows further.  
>She could tell he wasn't, even if he didn't have the grimace on his face that he did. She reached for his armpit and made him sit up next to her and he winced as he moved. Frowning, she scoured his body for the point of his pain and seeing nothing she lifted his shirt to look further. There, to the right of his navel, was a soft purple red bruise, jagged in shape.<br>"Who did this?" she asked, astonished, but inside not at all surprised.  
>Nick shook his head, not wanting to get her involved. "It's all right Jen, don't worry about it."<br>Jennifer shook her head angrily. "It's not all right Nick!" she insisted, still frowning. "Who was it?"  
>"A guy who recognised Shay," he mumbled, giving in way too quickly and easily. "A cop."<br>Jennifer sat back in astonishment. She knew how serious this was. But what could she do? She had no words of advice for him.  
>So even though it was against everything she believed in, and Nick believed in, she left it. She turned off the lamp and curled up beside him, slipping her hand stealthily under his shirt again and gently caressing the area where he'd been punched until they both fell asleep.<p> 


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 37 Secrets

A week later as Jen quietly finished the washing up alone in their kitchen, a soft knock sounded at the front door. With the water running and the clattering of crockery she wasn't sure she'd actually heard correctly and stopped moving for a moment to tilt her ear towards the direction of the noise.

The knock came again just a second later. She dried off her hands as she walked to the door. It wasn't until she was just a few steps away from it that the panic suddenly hit her that just about the only people who could be coming to her door at this hour would only be bearing bad news. About Nick. They would have solemn faces and clasp their hands in front of them. One of them would probably be Tony Eastough, a man she'd only met on a handful of occasions. They'd address her as Mrs Buchanan and ask to step inside. One of them would stay standing whilst the other would sit with her on the couch, or at the kitchen table. She knew exactly how it would go.

She almost didn't want to open the door if that was what she would find there. She reached for the cool handle, afraid, and twisted it slowly, opening the door only a crack to see who was on the other side.

"Oh Matty!" she breathed, relief flooding her voice. She opened the door fully and smiled widely at him. He smiled back, confusion shadowing his face, but stepped inside at her invitation.

"I'm not interrupting am I? Have I come at a bad time?" he asked politely.

Jennifer shook her head vigourously. "No no! Come in! It's a nice surprise!" She was genuinely stoked to see him. And seeing him at her door was certainly better than seeing Tony Eastough with an ashen face.

Matt nodded heavily, standing awkwardly beside her, just a few metres from the door. For the first time he held out what he'd been hiding behind his back – an enormous bunch of pale pink roses, wrapped in pretty paper and tied with a bow. "These are for you," he said uselessly.

Jennifer beamed, accepting the bouquet gratefully. "They're gorgeous Matt, thankyou!" She smiled curiously at him, perplexed by his sudden visit and gift. She'd only seen him a few hours before at Homicide. As they walked into the kitchen she voiced her queries. "What did I do to deserve flowers?" she asked, touched at the mysterious gesture.

Matt leaned against the kitchen bench as he watched her unwrap the bouquet and fill a vase with water from the tap. He folded his arms across his chest and shrugged slightly, just smiling at her. He responded quietly. "Flowers seemed the best way to say congratulations."

Jennifer stopped what she was doing and looked at him with a gaze so happy she looked like she was about to float away. It filled Matt with a rush of love for her, so pleased to see her so elated. She put her hands on the bench and dropped her head a little, breathing out and beaming to herself. She closed her eyes briefly and Matt saw her lose herself in her joy for a moment before she looked back at him.

"It finally worked." Her voice was barely a whisper.

He beamed back at her. "I'm so happy for you Jen," he whispered back. Neither thought twice about embracing and Jennifer melted into his arms, still unable to wipe the smile off her face. He wrapped his arms around her still tiny frame, breathing in her scent and feeling her newly acquired bulge against his hips. It was soft and warm and her whole body brimmed with life. He sucked in her enviable smell and aura one more time before they pulled apart.

A little while later they perched together on the couch in the living room, drinking tea and chatting quietly about work and their colleagues and news around Homicide. Matt watched her as she neatly took a sip of her tea and marvelled inside at what he saw before him. She sat, resplendent in her beauty and glowing in her first stages of pregnancy. It was a kind of beauty he'd never seen. It took Matt's breath away, and he just watched her for the longest time. He couldn't help but feel sorry for Nick, who he felt should've been the one sitting in Matt's place, appreciating and noticing this splendour his wife was radiating without even realising.

Jen looked back at Matt, noticing the happily dazed look on his face. It was pleasant, just sitting there beside him, chatting away quietly, getting along the same way they always had, and the same way she hoped they always would. She was pleased she could share her news with someone she cared about so much, and not just with Nick. She knew that Matt was well aware of how happy she was to be pregnant at last. It thrilled her to be able to tell him and share the excitement with someone else.

"Where _is_ Nick tonight?" Matt asked suddenly.

The question made Jennifer's face immediately change to a blank canvas, giving away nothing. He knew she couldn't lie to his face so she dropped her eyeline into her cup of tea and wouldn't move it away. She brushed his absence off.

"He's out on a bust tonight in Geelong," came her answer, deliberately vague and obviously not open for further discussion. She couldn't meet his eyes and he was astonished at how quickly her elated, beautiful energy had evaporated right in front of him in a matter of seconds. _What's going on?_ he thought.

He decided not to push it much further. "I haven't seen him in ages," he mused to her quietly, wondering what she'd say.

She breathed out shortly and sharply through her nose. "Ha," she chortled quietly. "Neither have I." She looked up at Matt at last. "He's as much married to the Drug Squad as he is to me." She thought it a good cover story for now, in front of Matt, put on the spot like she was.

Matt nodded his head, accepting her answer – on the outside at least. On the inside he wondered if she was really telling the truth. _Perhaps they're having problems? But she's so happy about having a baby! They can't be!_

Jennifer gulped down the rest of her tea and watched as Matt did the same. He could tell her demeanour had changed and his visit had come to an end. Placing his mug on the coffee table he got up, smiling at her as she stood up with him.

"I better hit the road," he said quietly, making for the door, not wanting to upset her.

She nodded and cracked out a small smile for him. She was genuinely pleased to share a quiet moment alone with Matt, to tell him the happy news and to catch up with him like the friends they were, but she did not want to talk about Nick and the fact he wasn't there, so she wanted him to go, just so that they wouldn't have to talk about it anymore.

"Thanks for the flowers Matty," she said gratefully as she opened the door for him and he stepped outside.

"You're welcome," he replied softly. He leaned in and she let him kiss her on the cheek.

As Matt drove home, his thoughts about Jennifer were loudly interrupted when the fuel gauge started beeping at him incessantly. He looked down at the dash and saw the needle hovering over the empty symbol. Sighing, he looked around him and ahead on the road for a service station. Luckily, there was one just a set of traffic lights away. He pulled in just a few moments later.

Standing in the slightly chilly late night air, he filled up his tank and walked into the shop to pay. There was a queue three people deep at the counter and he stood impatiently in the line, waiting to hand over his money. As he waited his gaze drifted out the window and to the dark carpark by the car wash outside. There were only three bays there, and it was lit only by a weak streetlight type lamp, which barely provided enough light for Matt to be able to see the car that sat, with its engine on, in one of the bays.

He squinted at it, trying to see the make and model, and see the occupants inside. But it was too dark.

"Sir!" The attendant behind the counter sounded annoyed. "Which bowzer?"

Matt's head snapped up and he pulled out his wallet. "Number five."

As he exited a moment later and walked back to his car he looked again over at the car parked by the car wash. Closer now, he could see it was a Monaro, sleek and fast looking. Matt admired it, wishing the police force fleet extended to something so cool.

Matt fumbled with his keys, beeped the doors unlocked and then slid into the drivers seat. As he started up the car and pulled his seatbelt on he looked in his rearview mirror and saw the passenger door of the Monaro open.

He knew his eyes weren't playing tricks on him. The light wasn't that bad. Nick Buchanan was climbing out of that car.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 38 Real Reason to Worry

Matt had stared for a good few seconds in his rearview mirror, not sure he believed what he was seeing. But the car behind him, impatient to use to bowzer Matt had just finished with, beeped his horn loudly and forced Matt to drive away.

When he'd got home he'd lain in bed, alone, his hands behind his head, thinking about the night he'd just had. A million possibilities ran through his mind about Jennifer, about Nick and about their marriage. What was going on? They were having a baby, yet Nick was never around. Jennifer had said he was in Geelong, when he so clearly wasn't. Matt was sure it was Nick he'd seen getting out of the Monaro. Why wasn't Jennifer telling him the whole story? Why was she keeping secrets for Nick? Or was she not aware of what he was really doing? With that thought in the front of his mind, Matt frowned in anger at the thought of Nick lying to Jennifer and leading her astray whilst she sat alone in their house, pregnant and utterly devoted to him and their marriage and the family they were soon to have and he was off doing things and associating with people he told her nothing about. He found it unforgiveable that Nick could treat her in such a way. _She deserves so much better than that._

But he knew he didn't have all the facts. Just his own suspicions. And right now, that wasn't enough. The last thing he wanted to do was upset Jennifer by asking her questions she felt uncomfortable answering. So he fell asleep determined to not think too much into it. _I'll do it for Jen._

Nick was shocked at how long the deal was taking to set up. Sure, it was big, but it was taking an age to reach completion. The handover date kept being pushed back week after week, and Nick knew any ordinary supplier would've not allowed himself to be mucked around and played so much like he was being, but Nick knew this was the only way he was going to get his hands on the dirty cops he'd slowly come into contact with over the last few weeks.

_Slow and steady wins the race_ he thought to himself as he sat alone in a tiny holiday apartment not far from Flinders Street Station, measuring and weighing his produce and sifting it into small ziplock bags. He had not been back to the motel he'd shared a room at with Shay – not since her death. He didn't even want to think of the place.

Beside him sat a small pistol that he had come into the possession of not long after his encounter with the mystery cop in Joel Christie's driveway. After that night Nick knew he was in more danger, and had felt the need to step up his own protection efforts.

Now that he worked alone, and now that he knew someone out there knew who he really was, he felt less safe than ever before.

Terry Jarvis was not happy. He leaned on the table, his back to the whiteboard and exhaled noisily through his nose, gritting his teeth. The team looked at him nervously. Finally he looked up and at them all menacingly.

"How is it this case has gone unsolved for so long now?" he barked, his eyes displeased, his frown intense.

The team avoided his stare, looking anywhere but at their superior. They fiddled with pens, shuffled papers and stared into their coffee cups – anything to avoid his wrath.

"Buchanan?" he barked, focussing his attention on a stunned Jennifer, whose head snapped up and eyes became wide.

"Sir," she responded weakly.

He jiggled his head in disbelief at her and her team. He turned around and slapped the board hard with his hand, right next to Shay Baldwin's crimescene photograph. "Well!" he barked again.

"Ahhh," Jennifer stumble din her response, not knowing what to say.

Matt interrupted, saving Jennifer from an embarrassing encounter. "The thing is Senior Sargeant," he began, noticing Jennifer's grateful look at his left. "This girl is a no one. No one knows much more than her full name, she has no family we can find, no history, nothing."

Terry Jarvis wasn't buying that. "Don't give me that!" he yelled. "Everyone has a past! She is someone's daughter. Someone went to school with her. Someone sat beside her on a bus. Someone served her coffee. It might not be an extensive past, but everyone has a past. You slackers need to dig it up!"

Matt was adamant and continued the verbal exchange with Jarvis. "We have been Senior Sargeant! I truly believe we have everything there is to find on this girl. There's something not right about her, for sure, but we've done all we can. We cannot find anyone with a reason to murder her. Everyone she encountered had water tight alibis."

"What about the boyfriend?" Terry asked, exhausted at the effort with his team.

Matt shook his head sadly, and looked around at the rest of the crew for their opinions as he spoke. "He's obviously done a runner," he explained. "We haven't been able to track him down. No one's heard from him. Seems with her death he's disappeared as well. Whether he's dead too or just run for the hills we don't know."

Beside him Jennifer shifted uncomfortably, not looking at anyone. None of them paid any attention, now used to Jennifer looking uncomfortable around the office because of her expanding stomach. But Matt noticed a different look to normal.

Terry Jarvis exhaled again, disappointed and fed up. "Well you better come up with something you lot," he said angrily. "Somewhere this girl's got parents wondering where the hell she is and it's been months and they don't even know she's dead, let alone been able to bury her. Pull your fingers out!"

He stalked out of the room, passing Stanley Wolfe as he entered the room, his glasses perched precariously on his nose as always, his expression solemn. He looked over at Jennifer and beckoned her out of her chair. "A word please Detective Buchanan?" he drawled, looking over the tops of his glasses at her.

Jennifer got up obediently and followed Stanley out into the office. He looked at her, concerned as he began to speak. "You're wanted at the Drug Squad," he told her. "Tony Eastough wants to see you."

Jennifer's blood ran cold. "Why?" she spluttered.

Stanley shrugged, very aware of the look of worry on Jennifer's face.

Jennifer breathed in deeply and nodded at her superior before heading sombrely towards the lifts. She stepped inside and punched the button of the floor she wanted with her thumb. As the lift lurched upwards, she looked down at her left hand, fiddling with her rings with her thumb.

A moment later she was walking out of the lift and towards Tony Eastough's office. She knocked on the door softly, scared to enter.

Jeremy Burns opened it. Jennifer suppressed a gasp at seeing him. It had been a long time. "Jennifer," he greeted her quietly, letting her in. She gave a tight lipped semi smile in return.

Tony Eastough stood up from behind his large desk and walked towards her, extending his hand. "Mrs Buchanan."

Jennifer stopped breathing upon hearing her name like that from such a person. There could be only one reason for such a greeting. She fell gratefully into the chair offered to her by Jeremy.

But Tony only called her that because that was how he knew her. To him she was Nick Buchanan's wife. He had never worked with her in a police capacity, so it didn't feel right to call her Detective Buchanan, even though that was what everyone else called her. But there was a certain degree of separation between them that stopped him thinking of her as a cop and only as a policeman's wife. Similarly Jennifer only thought of him as Tony Eastough, Nick's boss, not Detective Senior Sargeant Eastough, head of the Drug Squad. The only thing they had in common were their connections to Nick.

"Has something happened?" Jennifer asked eagerly, her eyes darting between Tony and Jeremy, who stood at the window, hovering between there and the door, his eyes never settling in one place, always watching the goings on in the hallway.

Tony didn't respond straight away. He stared at her, taking in her expectant frame and frowned. Them expecting a child only made this even harder, he thought. "Yes and no," he answered stupidly.

Jennifer frowned, not wanting the bullshit answer. _Just give it to me straight_.

"You may or may not be aware of what and who Nick is investigating," Tony said. "But he's treading a fine line. He always has. He knew it was going to be like this. But it's really come to a head since Constable Baldwin was killed. He's about to do a major deal, but they've started sniffing around. They're getting suspicious."

"So what does this mean for Nick?" Jennifer pushed, sitting more forward in her seat.

Tony reluctantly shrugged. "We don't know," he mumbled, knowing his answer would disappoint her. "We honestly don't. But we just wanted you to know…things could get heavy. You need to be prepared for that." He thought for a second then repeated it with urgency in his voice. "You need to be prepared for it to get a lot worse than it already is," he warned. "Just in case the shit hits the fan."

Jennifer didn't know what to say. She looked over at Jeremy by the window. He looked back at her, sympathy heavy in his eyes. "We know Nick can handle himself Jen, but this is a game he's never played before. And now he's doing it alone."

She knew the meeting was over then. She pushed herself up out of her chair and made for the door. Jeremy and Tony watched after her.

"When's the bub due?" Tony asked softly before she left.

Jennifer looked up and over to him sadly. "Three months," she replied.

The two men nodded kindly.

As she packed up her belongings that afternoon, Matt watched her from his desk. Something was so obviously wrong, he thought. She looked stressed. The signs were always obvious on her lithe body – even though she was more than half way through her pregnancy now, she still remained on the thin side, Matt observed. Her face especially, gave away how she was coping. It broke his heart.

As she walked from the building that day she felt the tears well up in her eyes. As if she didn't worry about Nick enough already – now she was getting word from his boss that she should officially be worried. It was not a comforting feeling. Jeremy had sounded confident that Nick could scrape through anything that was thrown at him. Jennifer wasn't so sure. He had not been the same since Shay's death. She felt helpless and powerless to protect Nick as she drove home by herself that night.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 39 Piecing Together the Puzzle  
>Nick was nervous but ready. Tonight they would make the final plans, and he was keen to set them in stone. He knew his arrests were looming. He was a heartbeat away from pinning them all down. Months upon months of work were finally coming to fruition. Tonight they would meet up and decide on when the final exchange would take place. Once these details were in the can he could devise a plan on when and how exactly he would make his pinch.<br>But first he needed to eat. Euan ate not at all like Nick, who enjoyed healthy meals and regular exercise once upon a time. No, Euan Kennedy had no time for anything other than what could be grabbed on the run, quick and easy, and which would give him the energy and adrenaline he needed to plough through another night on the street, keeping out of view of those he didn't want to be seen by, and endlessly negotiating with those he did.

Another long day spent in the office had finally drawn to a close for Matt. It had felt endless, especially as it was a Saturday. He decided that since it was a weekend he could leave at 5pm, rather than the six or seven he usually did, and he packed up his possessions gratefully.  
>He had no plans for that night other than slobbing on the couch with a beer and the footy on the television. In line with this plan he swung by a McDonald's restaurant on his way home and drove into the drive through, mulling over what he should get. When he reached the window to order he spoke into the speaker box slowly. "A medium Big Mac meal thanks," he said politely, his arm hanging out the window, almost swaying in the breeze.<br>The tinny voice replied quickly. "That'll be $7.95, please drive forward."  
>Matt did as instructed and waited at the next window to pay and collect his order. He could already smell the fried food from where he sat in his car and it made his stomach growl with hunger. <em>Come onnnnnn<em>. He looked further into the restaurant at his right and saw how busy it was inside. _But drive through gets served fastest right?_ He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel.  
>"Sir?" A McDonald's employee was leaning out her service window and looking at him. "Can we get you to drive through to the waiting bay? It shouldn't be too long."<br>Sighing, Matt drove through to where instructed. Now he was just plain starving. As he waited he watched the stream of people going in and out of the restaurant.  
>And suddenly there was Nick, stepping through the door and onto the footpath. Matt blinked, not sure if he was seeing right.<br>"One medium Big Mac meal?" a voice too close to Matt's ear chirped. He jumped and grabbed at the bag she held out to him.  
>"Thanks," he said quickly, not even looking at her.<br>Was that really Nick? He looked so different. It had been a good few months since he'd seen him properly this close up, but wow. He'd filled out, gotten really solid. His hair was so short. And his clothes. Woah. _Nah that can't be Nick_ Matt thought. He looked too different. _It must be someone else._  
>But as Matt pulled out of the waiting bay he continued to watch the guy walk up the street and then wait at the traffic lights to cross over to the other side. He stood pushing the button on the traffic light pole impatiently, eager to cross and Matt sat in his vehicle just behind him waiting at the opposing set of lights. He studied him critically. <em>Nick? Nick Buchanan?<em> Right before the crosswalk sign flashed green, the guy turned around and threw his McDonald's cup into the bin on the sidewalk. For a few seconds he was squarely facing Matt's car, front on and Matt could finally get a good look.  
>And there was no doubt in his mind that yes, that was Nick Buchanan. Nick Buchanan without a wedding ring. Matt stared in disbelief at him and there came a moment when the two men locked gazes. But from Nick there was nothing. He stared right through Matt for several seconds, not acknowledging that they knew each other in the slightest, not even realising. Matt was lost for words and stared incredulously at his former Homicide colleague as he crossed the street hurriedly and slipped down a back alley and out of sight.<p> 


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 40 Letting Go

Jennifer's eyes lit up when she saw Matt at her front door ten minutes later. "McDonald's? For me?" she asked, her craving making her hope he'd say yes.

He looked at the bag in his hand and shook his head, distracted. "No."

"Oh," she replied, let down.

"Jen can I come in? I really need to talk to you." Matt's voice was as solemn as she'd ever heard and she let him in, concerned. She felt on edge immediately.

Matt lumbered through the front door, placing his McDonald's bag on the balustrade by the window, forgetting about it as soon as it left his fingertips. He looked intensely at Jennifer, determined this time to get the truth out of her, no matter what it took.

He didn't even wait until they were seated in the living room, or the kitchen. He threw it right at her. "Can you tell me why I've seen Nick twice in the last few weeks in the city, out of uniform, NOT in Geelong and looking and acting like a completely different person?" She stood, stunned before him. But he kept going, ignoring the look on her face. "Can you tell me why whenever I mention him, or we mention Requel's boyfriend at work you squirm in your seat or disappear out of the room all together? I _have _noticed Jen, don't think I haven't," he insisted. It almost sounded like he was interrogating her in the interview room, but he shrugged off the feeling. He had already started piecing it all together and was pretty certain he was right, but he wanted her to confirm it for him. He had to know.

Jennifer frowned and didn't respond at first. She simply turned around and walked away, in the direction of the kitchen. She walked in there without turning on the light, and without looking back at Matt, who was hot on her heels.

"Jen!" he yelped. "What's going on?"

She stood at the sink, her face vacant and defeatist, but mostly, afraid. Matt's heart raced in response to her terrified expression. "Tell me the truth Jen, please," he pleaded with her. He stood beside her at the sink. "I know something's not right here. Just tell me." Truthfully he had all sorts of scenarios and suspicions running rampant inside his head, and he just wanted her to tell him which one was right.

She breathed in deeply in the semi darkness but didn't let the breath out again. She slid down the kitchen cupboards slowly, as if not even realising she was doing it, and sat despondent on the floor at Matt's feet. Shocked, he looked down at her and then knelt down by her side.

Jennifer looked at him forlornly with a look that made obvious the way she was simply bursting to tell all the little secrets she'd been forced to keep for months and months now. Matt moved his body forward, then hesitated, and moved it back away from her again. He didn't know what to do. Instead he just stared, waiting.

A moment later her shoulders shook ever so slightly and desperate little pitiful sounds escaped from her mouth. She wasn't crying but she was close enough to it. To see Jennifer cry always shocked Matt, because he'd so rarely seen it happen, and to him she was as tough as any male cops he knew. But lately, he noticed that it had become the norm for her – a trait which further indicated something was desperately wrong.

He moved toward her again and this time she moved forward too, her legs curling underneath her, her body begging to be hugged. He held her tightly in silence for what seemed like ages.

"You can tell me Jen," he whispered into her hair. "You know you can tell me anything." He hoped that she had enough respect for and held their friendship in high enough regard that she would share with him anything that was troubling her. She had done so with her struggle to conceive and he had been glad for that. It had bought them a lot closer. But he wondered if this was too big.

An hour later Matt finally realised just how big it was. He sat beside Jennifer on the floor, holding her hand that rested on his leg. They sat close, her with her head on his shoulder, emotionally drained. The truth had tumbled out easily once he had convinced her it was ok to let it go. And once she started she couldn't stop. The more she told him the more relief she felt, so she told him every last detail alone in the dark kitchen.

Matt was taken aback more than he had expected. Everything suddenly fell into place. Why he had seen Nick dressed differently, getting out of cars looking not the least bit like a cop, why he and Jennifer had perhaps struggled to get pregnant, why she had been looking so thin and drawn these days, why her demeanour had changed so quickly of late whenever Nick's name was mentioned, why the Homicide squad was getting absolutely nowhere with their investigation into Requel Farinacci's death, why Jennifer was so preoccupied on the job and so determined to not play a big role in the investigation everyone else was trying so hard to solve. It all made so much sense now. Everything he and the Homicide team had thought previously was so woefully inaccurate. It blew Matt's mind.

And he couldn't believe Jennifer had been able to weather it all. He still felt anger towards Nick – for intentionally or otherwise putting Jennifer in such an awkward position, all but forcing her to keep his undercover secrets for him, making her life as a Homicide cop unimaginably difficult for her. For leaving her alone so often in this house they were supposed to live in together. For doing all the hard work when it came to their IVF attempts and having no one to support her through it all, getting by on her sheer will and determination, and her love and unfailing devotion to him. _If you were with me…if you'd married me…_Matt thought to himself wistfully. _I would never have let this happen. And you'd be happy._

"I'm just so worried Matt," she admitted softly. "I know Nick can handle himself on the job day to day. He knows what to expect. He's done it for so long now. But undercover Matt…" she looked into the distance worriedly. "It's just so dangerous." She looked back at him, her eyes filled with those tears Matt never expected. "I don't want to end up a widow. I don't want to raise our child alone. I couldn't do that." She sounded so genuinely terrified it was like she had already accepted the fate that what she was saying was actually going to happen.

Matt looked back at her, just as distraught. What he wouldn't do to erase her pain and lead her out of this nightmare. _You don't deserve this. How could Nick do this to you? The man who is supposed to love and protect you! _He rubbed her back soothingly as he held her. His legs were cramping up from sitting on the floor for so long, but he didn't even notice the pain. His only concern was for the vulnerable colleague that he held in his arms.

I can feel your heartbeat through my shirt

This was all I wanted

All I want

She began to cry harder the more she thought about the whole situation. "I think it's destroying us Matt," she sobbed into his chest, her tears falling over the sharp cliffs her gaunt cheekbones had become. "I think I'm seeing his true colours. I've _never _seen him like this." Her voice was at a whisper, her tone so crestfallen. She couldn't even put into words how much he'd changed. It was frightening.

Matt didn't know what to say, other than a lot of livid words relating to Nick's behaviour, so he just held her, stroking her hair and keeping her close to him. She didn't move away.

"Maybe if I'd been there it wouldn't have happened," she pondered to him. She felt so guilty about Shay's death – as if she had let it happen because she hadn't been there to be Nick's partner in the dangerous exercise in the first place therefore able to prevent the murder and save the life of such a young and vibrant constable.

Matt shook his head violently. "But maybe if you'd been there what happened to Shay would've happened to you. And then you'd never have a baby and Nick'd never get the family he wants and he wouldn't have you." Matt was babbling, but his true feelings and opinions just tumbled out of his mouth, unstoppable. He looked at Jennifer's sad face in front of him. He forced himself to put aside his prejudices for a moment, and extended an olive branch for her benefit. "Nick wouldn't want to lose you Jen," he whispered. The sentence garnered a tiny smile from her lips. "…And neither would I."

She knew he was right, and pressed herself in tighter towards his chest, grateful for his words. His voice and his hold were so soothing to her. He held her like he thought Nick should've been and kissed her forehead and cheeks repeatedly for hours as they sat on her kitchen floor.

Neither even wanted to think right then of the impossible position they were both now in.

Finally as the clock struck eleven Jennifer made moves to get up off the floor. She was exhausted and wanted to do nothing but crawl into bed, even if it was alone. Matt felt her shift in his hold and helped her to her feet, still captivated by her stunning mother-to-be stature, almost jealous that it all belonged to Nick and not him. He knew she would never change her mind, and he respected her devotion to the man she had married, but as he left he made one last, and only, attempt to coax her to his side. He just wanted to hold her in his arms forever. He cupped her pretty face in his hands and spoke softly and fondly to her. "I love you Jen. If nothing else I just want you to know that."

She nodded, understanding, but torn. She watched him walk down the front steps and towards his car. As he slipped inside, Nick came sneaking across the yard, camouflaged into the foliage of the garden and not noticeable until he stepped onto the veranda where Jennifer stood watching Matt start up his car.

For a brief second before he greeted his wife, he looked over at Matt but offered nothing. He gave nothing away, and just a second later he turned to Jennifer, having reserved what tiny affection he had left for his old life for her and her benefit only. As they walked inside the house and closed the door behind them, Matt reversed down the driveway and wished he couldn't see Nick sweep Jennifer into his arms in the dim light of the living room window and kiss her hard and fast. But he could, and it prodded at his heart painfully.

_I could've given her such a better life._

Nick sat up against the pillows, his legs stretched out in front of him, Euan for once forgotten. Jennifer sat in the V his legs made on the bed and leaned back against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, cradling and smoothing his hands over her pregnant belly delicately. His touch was feather light and every curve of her bulge under his hands made his heart feel just as feathery light and made his breathing go out of whack. He felt so close to Jennifer and what they had finally managed to create when they sat alone like this.

Jennifer felt safe and secure when he had his arms around her like he did right then. It was times like this he felt like her husband and not some drug dealing man of the darkness who got mixed up in all the wrong sides of life on the street. Times like this she became even more devoted to him, even more in love with him, because even just the feel of his chest rising and falling against her made her believe that no matter what happened, everything would be ok. But that was probably because he was right there, in the moment with her, she reasoned to herself. She never felt the same sense of safety and calm when he was out there, alone, doing God knows what. She knew she was going back and forth with her feelings, sometimes so mad at him, sometimes so utterly faithful it made others sick, but when she was in these moments how in love with him she was seemed to override everything else she'd previously felt in such a big way.

But right then she refused to let herself think about his undercover troubles. Having Matt be so caring to her that night had been a wonderful help, and a true extension of the hand of friendship and loyalty, but it was Nick she wanted to be held by the most, no matter how different he looked these days, or how lost in his work he seemed. No matter how much he'd changed she still loved him in a way she couldn't put into words. And inside, somewhere almost nothing could reach, she felt like the whole nightmare was starting to draw to a close. It was just a niggle, and she knew nothing of how it would end, but she felt like they were drawing near to it. And she couldn't wait.

She lolled her head back and around towards him and they kissed deeply over and over, both being reminded again of how much they meant to each other.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 41 Helter Skelter

"Josty," Joel sneered, pointing the gun right between Grant's eyes without hesitation. He gave a low, angry chuckle that signalled the end for the nightclub owner. "You led me into a trap my friend."

Grant began to plead for his life as Joel pulled the trigger.

"Lucky I wasn't stupid enough to fall for it," he stated as he tucked the firearm back into the belted waistband of his pants and walked away.

Nick's eyes sprang open the moment he heard the pounding on the door. Jennifer was huddled in close to him in slumber and she was slower to react than he was. He stiffened as he listened to the shouts and the banging as they started to make their way into the Buchanan family home.

Nick shook Jennifer's shoulders urgently, begging her to wake up. She screwed up her face, not liking being woken so early. "What?" she mumbled sleepily.

He stared at her intently, rushing with his instructions. "Don't tell them anything. You know nothing all right? Just play the innocent card. You don't know Euan and you don't know what I've been doing. And Jen…don't stay here. Go to Ange's or something, but just don't stay here. Just for a few days, until the heat is off ok – "

Nick had barely finished his sentence when the loudest bang yet thundered through the house, shattering the calm quiet of the morning and an army of police filled the bedroom, yelling at the tops of their lungs. They brandished their weapons brazenly, but were too cocky to be wearing flak jackets, never thinking Nick would be armed. He was, for a moment at least, glad he had left his pistol in the holiday apartment and not bought it home to Jen.

Nick's eyes darted over to Jen, who now sat up in the bed, the sheets bunched around her hands where she had pushed herself up hurriedly, shocked at the unexpected visitors. Her eyes were wide and her face white, which Nick at first found peculiar, because he knew she'd been part of raid teams like this herself in the past many times. But this time she was on the other side, and it frightened the living daylights out of her. He saw her hunch over ever so slightly at the shoulders, and slip her right arm, bent, around her stomach. The move propelled him to fight back against the yelling and screaming cops that were now circling the bed.

"Hey!" he yelled, raising his voice to be the loudest of all in the room. "Hey!"

But they paid little attention, grabbing Nick out of the bed and making him stand up.

Seething, Nick shook free of their grasps for a moment and yelled again, throwing a strong arm over in the direction of Jennifer to point out her fear to them. "Hey! She's pregnant! She's pregnant! You're frightening her!" His throat felt like it was on fire the more words he spoke. But he was determined to protect his fragile wife. "BACK OFF!" he roared, his voice menacing and mad, the look on his face one no ordinary person who ever want to cross.

Two officers who had been closest to Jennifer took a step away from her, and closer to Nick, lowering their weapons a few inches, no longer pointing them directly at her. She remained where she was on the bed, frozen in fear, barely breathing, her eyes darting backwards and forwards between Nick and the invading raid team.

Nick said no more as they wrenched his hands behind his back and shoved him out of the room, his feet bare, his heart pounding. As he stepped out of the room he looked one more time over his shoulder at his wife and mouthed silently to her that he loved her.

Nick sat listless in the interview room, feeling a strange role reversal playing out before him as he sat on the other side of the table from normal, waiting to be told what was going on. He was alone in the room apart from a young constable who stood silently in the corner, unable to disguise the confused look on his face. He knew Nick Buchanan, and didn't understand why it was he had been told not to speak to his colleague, someone he had often shared a drink with at police gatherings and whom he looked up to tremendously.

To make it easier Nick avoided the young man's eyes. He looked down at his hands in his lap instead, studying his weathered palms and fingers. Practically overnight they had been transformed, riddled with stress induced psoriasis, an unpleasant skin condition he thought he had bid goodbye to when he'd finally left his broody teenage years behind him. But now it was back, snaking over his palms and around his fingers, making them blistered, red and sore.

"Detective Buchanan."

Nick's head snapped up as two plain clothes officers entered the room, looming over the other side of the table, exuding a quiet and assured arrogance square in Nick's direction as they sat down.

"My name is Detective Sargeant Steve Murdoch, and this is Detective Sargeant Paul Washington," the one on the left said.

Nick nodded, giving nothing away. "I know who you are." He did. They were at the top of the Drug Squad tree in terms of knowing the dealers, the users, the suppliers, all the scum of the earth. They were always the ones who took the glory for the biggest pinches – the pinches people like Nick and Lee and Tony poured hours of themselves and their hard work and time away from their wives in to. Nick had never liked Murdoch and Washington, and he had a feeling that dislike was only going to grow.

"Do you know why we've bought you in here today Detective Buchanan?" Washington asked.

Nick shook his head. "No I don't."

Steve Murdoch chuckled and leaned in closer to Nick across the table. Nick in turn gave him a steely gaze back, not backing down.

"Is it true that you've been part of an undercover operation for some time now?" Murdoch asked.

"No comment." Nick was adamant, as per the SIS code, that he not give away his game.

"Is it true that you've been supplying the local underworld with an assortment of illicit drugs?"

"No comment."

"Is it true that you have posed as a supplier, made extensive criminal connections and created, formerly with a fellow undercover operative, a large network of buyers?"

"No comment."

"Is it true that you own a firearm that is not police issue?"

"No comment."

"Is it true that you planned to make arrests of fellow police members during this undercover operation?"

"No comment."

Murdoch and Washington sat back and looked at each other briefly before turning back to Nick.

"Do you have anything to say to allegations that you planned to kill at least one fellow member whom shared a close association with Joel Christie?"

"No comment."

"Do you have anything to say at all about anything we have discussed here today?"

"No comment."

Paul Washington stood up from his chair and threw Nick a smug look as he was joined by Steve Murdoch.

"But I would like to know where Tony Eastough is right now," Nick finally said, looking at the two men as they made for the door.

Steve Murdoch snorted rudely as he reached for the door handle. "You can't speak to him," came his reply.

Paul Washington finished off Murdoch's answer. "Not even Tony Eastough can save you now."

They had left as quickly as they had arrived. Jennifer had only sat in stunned silence for a few minutes after she was left alone. Then she remembered Nick's last words and got up, packed an overnight bag, got into her car and drove to Matt's place.

He had been shocked to see her – it was after all, a Saturday, and it was not even 6am. He'd been enjoying a rare sleep in, and had been tempted to ignore the sound of the doorbell when he'd heard it from his bedroom. But when it rang a second time, and then a third, he went and answered the door.

He had ushered her inside and she had stood dumbly in front of him, as if under hypnosis, the shock of what had happened so hard to overcome that she simply couldn't function, let alone talk, normally. He'd slipped an arm around her waist and walked her gently to the bedroom. As they entered she finally spoke, and what she said was exactly what he'd feared she'd say. "We were raided this morning…" she looked at Matt, her eyes still as wide as they had been when the brutal team had invaded her bedroom less than an hour before. "…And they took Nick with them."

_What can I possibly say to that?_ Matt had thought hopelessly as he stood before her as she sat down on his bed, on the side Emma had once called her own. _I was always afraid this would happen._ He had sighed and said nothing, and instead encouraged her to lie down, pulling the blanket over her as she did so. When she'd fallen asleep a little while later he had walked out to the living room and curled up on the couch there, letting her have the space and time she needed. But he couldn't sleep.

_This is the beginning of the end. I can feel it._


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 42 Stockholm Syndrome  
>Nick was held and questioned for the entire day, his interviews intermittent as he thought about exactly what Washington and Murdoch were loading him up with. Tony Eastough and Jeremy Burns made no appearances and the longer he was left alone, the more Nick began to get confused as to the state of his undercover mission. Was it all over? Even though he had not done his big deal yet and had yet to make any arrests?<br>_SIS hey? Nobody ever really knows what's going on – you just hope for the best_ Nick thought to himself wistfully.  
>He'd already cottoned on to the fact that Washington and Murdoch, to name probably just a few, were trying to load him up, turning on him as a fellow member, because he was a heartbeat away from exposing the dodgy dealings of some of their friends - fellow members. Nick shook his head at himself as he sat in the interview room, figuring it all out. He'd clearly got too close, and those he'd been recruited to expose had friends in high places too – high enough that they could override Jeremy Burns and Tony Eastough, high enough that they could haul Nick in brutally at the butt crack of dawn on a Saturday and ask him about an operation he was never going to talk about and that they knew they had no right to ask him about, high enough that they could organise the killing of a young woman, high enough that they could shut down Nick's entire investigation, pretending as though it had never happened, and allowing the corrupt cops who were associates of Joel Christie to continue to do as they pleased.<br>Nick was disgusted, but at the same time also teetering on the edge of falling under the spell so effortlessly weaved around him. He was outnumbered. They wanted to stitch him up. It was obvious now. Nick Buchanan knew the difference between right and wrong but had by now invested so much time and effort, and so much of himself into his assignment that when they entered the room at 5pm and produced the pistol he'd hidden in the holiday apartment, he was no longer sure what he'd been doing was ever real.  
>Washington and Murdoch further fuelled his confusion when they stopped addressing him as 'detective' and started addressing him only as Mr Buchanan. They questioned him about the gun, and instead of denying all knowledge of it, telling them he'd never seen it before and that it wasn't his, out of his mouth came Euan's voice, insisting he had got it only for protection, and because he knew it was a necessary tool in the underworld.<br>The questioning detectives exchanged mischievious looks, satisfied with Nick's answer. A power play had begun.

With every hour that passed Nick fell further from grace. Further from being able to save himself. He knew only one person could help him, but he knew not when he would see her again. All he knew was that they wouldn't stop – they badgered and badgered, yelling and screaming, threatening and belittling, driving him into the hole they had dug just to bury him in.  
>Nick knew the operation had gotten out of hand. He had made promises too large, let the ambition go off the scale, let himself become taken over by a character that wasn't real, and allowed it to rule his actions, and indeed his life. But a little tiny piece of him thought that it would all pay off so beautifully in the end, and make all the sacrifices worth it. He thought that he would be able to neatly sew up the operation alone, having gathered enough evidence on Joel Christie and Grant Jost as well as the bent cops who bought drugs off the two men, and report dutifully back to SIS that the job had been done and the force was now a little cleaner. But that was always Nick's problem. He was always striving to be perfect.<em> And nobody can be completely perfect, all the time.<em>  
>As Washington and Murdoch gathered together their paperwork from the table yet again – Nick had lost count of how many times they had been in and out of the room, throwing questions and accusations at him, and always leaving lengthy periods between each encounter to let Nick sweat it out and stew over his thoughts just that little bit more – he lifted his head wearily and watched them leave the room. As Paul Washington opened the door, Jennifer suddenly came into view at the end of the long hallway outside. Despite Nick's tiredness he could make her out perfectly, like a bright shining beacon in a dark, angry, night time sea. He let out an unrestrained, unstoppable half grunt half wail when he laid eyes on his wife and how desolate she looked being led down the hallway. Her complexion on her face was patchy – no doubt a result of crying a few buckets Nick thought. Her clothes looked limp and simply hung on her rather than clothed her or enhanced her features. Her eyes were downcast and her gait slow and unsure, and a step behind her was Matt Ryan, watching her every move like a hawk. He walked with his hands in his pockets, his usual unpenetrable look on his stern face. He would let nothing hurt Jennifer so long as he was still standing. For a fleeting moment Nick felt relief that he was there for her when he couldn't be.<br>Without thinking Nick leapt out of his chair and raced for the door, pushing past a stunned Washington and Murdoch and covered the fifteen metres between himself and Jennifer in just a few steps. He said nothing, and his shoving out of the way of the detective sargeants had made no noise, yet it was as if she sensed him there. Her eyes lifted up from where they were focussed on the ground and stared right into his as he ran to her.


	26. Chapter 26

Second last chapter dear readers! Please please please leave me a review telling me what you think! This is one of my favourite chapters, and I hope you will think so too. But even if you don't, I'd still love to hear from you.

Brinds

Chapter 43 Boiling Point

He collected her in his arms tightly but neither spoke. What was there to say? He moved to hold her cheeks with his large hands, adoring the feeling of her soft, springy, warm skin under his fingers as he kissed her with everything he had.

It was then that they wrenched him away from her. But they held onto each other, never wanting to be apart, frightened and unsure of what was going to happen. They pulled at Jennifer too, and their rough handling of her made Matt leap into the melee and handle the detectives just as roughly. He was terrified they would hurt her and put in jeopardy her life and the life of her baby. "Get your hands off her!" he barked, desperately trying to undo the strong grips they had on Jennifer's arms and shoulders. Elbows and fists and arms clashed as Nick and Jen fought to stay connected, Matt fought to protect Jennifer and Washington and Murdoch fought to drag Nick back into the interview room.

After several moments in the scuffle they successfully managed to pull Nick away from his wife as Matt caught Jennifer in the fall back of their force. "Nickkkkkk!" she cried as their hands were ripped apart slowly, finger by agonising finger, all the fear of the morning now spilling out into the open. Steve Murdoch shoved her away with the full force of his hand, grabbing the sleeve of her top just below her shoulder and wrenching her away from Nick. The material stretched and pulled and sucked back into place reluctantly after Murdoch had let it go and spun on his heel away from her, indifferent and uncaring, and stalked back into the interview room, slamming the door so hard behind him that the sound echoed through the hallway for what seemed like minutes.

Matt didn't know what to say in response to the clash. He simply stood beside Jennifer, his hands holding her up, lightly sitting on her shoulder and waist, and he looked dumbfounded at the door that was now closed in his face. Stunned into silence, Jennifer stood next to him, completely unprepared for Washington to come back out a moment later and hiss angrily in their faces.

"Don't go anywhere," he spat, his body half out the door, a crumpled and defeated Nick just visible behind him. "We're questioning _you_ next." And once again, he slammed the door in their faces, the last glimpse Jennifer had of Nick, gone.

Matt turned to face his colleague and his face softened further, yet remained strong and determined in its will. He reached up a gentle hand to sweep the soft blonde strands of her fringe aside. "I'm coming in with you," he whispered. "Don't worry. I won't let them treat you like this." He gave her a small hug. "Don't worry," he repeated softly, rubbing a hand up and down her back soothingly.

Matt and Jennifer sat beside each other silently. Matt clasped his hands in front of him, his elbows on his knees, his head drooped, his eyes on the floor between his feet. His mind raced as he tried to keep up with the events unfolding before him. He knew nothing of what would happen next, only that he needed to stay by Jennifer's side throughout it all. He wouldn't leave her, no matter what they said.

Jennifer sat uncomfortably on his left, leaning back in her chair and with her right leg crossed over her left. She had propped one elbow up on the chair back and held her head up with her hand, occasionally massaging her temples and rubbing at her eyes as she waited with Matt. She didn't know when they'd be called into the interview room, nor whether they would tell her what was happening with Nick. It felt like a nightmare that was never going to end and she was beginning to feel the full physical and mental force of it take her over. She closed her eyes for a moment and exhaled loudly as she rubbed her stomach.

Matt looked up and over at her. "You ok?" he asked, concerned.

She nodded in response and went to speak when the door to the interview room that contained Nick opened. The two friends looked up quickly, expectation in their eyes. Washington stepped just outside the room and into the hallway and beckoned to a colleague just a few meters down the hall from where Jennifer and Matt sat. The man nodded in reply to Washington's actions and walked up to Matt and Jennifer and instructed them to follow him.

They got up reluctantly and did as they were told, passing Nick's interview room as they did so. Through the one way glass window Jennifer could see her husband's broken spirit sitting slumped behind the table, his eyes downcast and his shoulders low. She wanted to burst into tears at the sight of him.

The scars of your love

Remind me of us

They keep me thinking that we almost had it all

The scars of your love

They leave me breathless

I can't help feeling

We could've had it all

Jennifer eyed the chair the detective pointed at. Right beside her, Matt pulled out the chair for her and she accepted the seat gratefully, trying to restrain her ill feelings towards all the detectives – bar Matt – she was dealing with today.

"Thankyou Detective Ryan, you are not required in this interview," the man said, taking his seat opposite Jennifer.

Matt set his feet wide and clenched his jaw. "I'm not going anywhere."

The detective raised his eyebrows in response. "Detective Ryan, I am sure Mrs Buchanan can fend for herself. Please leave."

Matt was not so sure she could, but that was not why he wanted to stay. They were best friends and they stuck by each other through thick and thin. It had always been that way between them and he wasn't about to break tradition now.

"Detective Ryan! You are not needed in this interview!" the detective was starting to lose his patience with Matt, clenching his jaw in a similar fashion as they stared each other down.

"Mrs Buchanan has requested I stay," Matt said. Although Jennifer had said no such thing, he knew that she wouldn't disagree and when she heard him say it she looked up hopefully and nodded at his words.

The detective sighed, annoyed, and got up from his chair and made for the door, throwing an exasperated look at the two Homicide detectives. "We need to have a word outside first then," he stated. Matt followed him out, holding his own.

Out in the hallway again the two men were quickly joined by Washington and Murdoch, their faces like storm clouds. "What do you think you're doing Ryan!" Murdoch hollered, struggling to keep the volume of his voice low.

"Mrs Buchanan has asked me to accompany her anywhere you take her," Matt insisted. "And I plan on doing just that."

"You have no right to be in that interview room," Washington hissed. "You are not her legal aid, you are not a family member, you are not a doctor."

"No, but I've already seen the disgusting and unacceptable way in which you man handled a heavily pregnant woman," Matt hissed even more harshly back. "And I'll be damned if I'll let you continue to treat her that way. I'm not going anywhere. If my presence means you can't question her then too bad." His tone was so defiant and strong and he hoped it would be enough to convince them. He didn't want to have to go to even greater lengths to appeal to a humanity they clearly did not have within them. With relief he saw them give in instantly, saying nothing – just re-entering the interview room where Jennifer sat and fully expecting Matt to follow. He did.

"Mrs Buchanan," the detective began. "Are you aware that your husband, Detective Senior Constable Nick Buchanan, has been working undercover for some months now?"

Jennifer took a deep breath. Even though she'd barely been awake when Nick had rushed out his instructions to her that morning, she remembered them explicitly. She knew what to say. "No I was not."

Washington, standing at the door, observing, smiled. "Mrs Buchanan," he grinned evilly. "Are you trying to say that you did not notice the massive changes in your husband's workload, his appearance, his duty hours and his demeanour in recent months? Surely not."

Jennifer shrugged, already growing increasingly uncomfortable in her chair and in the stuffy room. The only relief came from the reassuring looks Matt kept throwing her from where he sat in the corner of the room. "Nick and I no longer work in the same squad together…how was I to know if his actions or workload were unusual for the squad he now works in? I've never worked in the Drug Squad, so how should I know?"

The three investigating detectives exchanged irritated looks around the room, but continued pressing the expectant mother.

"Well we're here to tell you that your husband has crossed the boundaries of typical undercover work Mrs Buchanan. He may be charged with drug, conspiracy and firearm offences that could very well spell the end of his career with the State Police."

Jennifer nodded blankly. They didn't need to tell her that Nick had crossed every boundary – she already knew that. But to hear it from people who seemed so intent on shutting the man she loved down was a bitter pill to swallow. She avoided their eyes for a few moments, looking over again at Matt instead.

His face gave away every emotion he was feeling right then. _When I get my hands on Nick Buchanan_ he thought, seething. He'd reached his boiling point, sick of Nick's disregard for Jennifer's welfare – the welfare Matt had devoted himself entirely to, and would forever if she just gave the word.

Jennifer stayed at Matt's house for almost two days. The longer she stayed there, the angrier she became at Nick, irate that he had allowed the situation to fall so far into the shit. She knew exactly why and how it had happened - that was how well she knew her husband. It was his passion - an admirable trait most of the time, but this time it had gotten him into trouble, and she lamented his inability to reel in his passionate pursuits. She couldn't believe he had been so stupid, gotten so involved, even if it wasn't entirely his fault, to let it get this out of hand. She knew she didn't know the whole story, but it still didn't mean she was prepared to forgive it. Not then anyway.

In Matt's small house he tried to take her mind off what was happening to her and Nick. They sat together in his living room, picking at the dinner he had made for them both. He smiled kindly at her. "Got any names yet Jen?" he asked quietly.

For a moment she was confused, her mind still too focussed on the events of the past 24 hours. "What?" she asked.

"Names Jen," he said slowly. "For the baby."

He watched her exhale and relax. Her stomach was very large by now and her hands settled on top of it naturally.

"Oh," she smiled bashfully. "No. Not really. I think we'll just decide when he or she pops out you know?" Her eyes managed to sparkle just the tiniest bit as she said it. It warmed Matt's heart to see the stress momentarily removed from her beautiful face.

Matt nodded. "My Mum was going to call me Vincent," he revealed, grinning. "But when I came out she said I just didn't look like a Vincent, so she and Dad went with Matthew."

Jennifer nodded back enthusiastically, happy Matt understood her. "Exactly."

"And how's the nursery going?" he continued.

Jennifer's smile fell a little. They'd had barely any chance to prepare a nursery. "Well we've got a cot…that's the most important thing I guess." Truthfully she was a little sad. It was not the preparation she had wanted for her first child. She'd had visions of her manly husband wielding a drill, a paintbrush and an array of nuts and bolts and whipping their long empty spare room into the nursery of her dreams, fit for their future little boy or girl. But it hadn't happened.

But Matt was reassuring and confident and patted her leg enthusiastically. "All you need, all you need Jen," he confirmed. "I'll come by this week and get some more stuff organised for you though if you like. Turn it a bit more into what you had planned," he offered kindly.

Jen's smile turned up again and she reached out and stroked his cheek with her thumb. She was more grateful for his friendship than she could express to him these days. "That'd be great, thanks Matty."

He couldn't stop smiling back at her, knowing she'd pull through all of this, like the strong person she was. "You're going to be so great at this Jen," he explained confidently. "Imagine how great life's going to be for you and Nick with a little one around. You deserve this happiness." He offered her some more bread. "Are you excited?"

This time Jennifer nodded earnestly, finally feeling the excitement rising within her. "Yeah, I really am," she replied honestly. "We've waited so long for this – and I think it's really going to be worth the wait."

"It will be Jen," Matt replied. "I promise you." He squeezed her hand.

Matt drove by Nick and Jennifer's house every few hours for Jennifer's benefit, looking for lights to be on, to see if Nick had returned. When he finally saw signs of life in the house he returned to his own place, picked up Jen and drove her back to Nick. He parked his car in the street as he watched Jennifer walk across the lawn and up the front steps. And he waited. Just in case.

When Jennifer walked in to the house Nick looked up from his place on the couch and then stood, approaching her. He barely noticed her overwhelmingly expectant figure, now more than eight months along, instead only just taking into account her presence before him.

"You shouldn't be here," he said like a robot, not making eye contact. "It's not safe."

"I thought you'd want to see me," she said back.

Nick's response was the first blow. "No," he replied. "I need to sort myself out first." His voice was one Jennifer barely recognised, and it was then that she knew that he had taken everything just one tiny step too far. She frowned.

"Our marriage isn't more important than that?" she asked, shock in her voice. "Our family? Our life together?"

Nick didn't answer. Instead he turned away, looking out the front window. Outside Matt saw him turn from his place in his car parked on the curb.

Jennifer's blood boiled and she stalked over to his place by the window and shoved him as hard as she could on the shoulder and back, like a teenage boy starting a fight. She knew her actions then spoke much louder than any words could. She challenged him to respond, but he only turned to her with a dull expression that dealt the second blow to Jennifer's battered heart.

"I need to be alone Jen." His voice was a monotone now, as he slipped further back into his Euan Kennedy world and further out of his Nick Buchanan one.

"Alone?" she screeched, her fringe falling in her eyes in her moment of fury. She shoved him again. "We're about to have a baby Nick!"

Nick offered no reply, his look glazed over, as if her comment had gone in one ear and straight out the other.

"We have worked so hard for this right from the word go!" she continued as he just stood there silently in front of her, just taking it. "Our relationship, our marriage, our life together! How can you just throw it away? How could you let yourself get to the point of actually doing that?" she screamed, upset and overcome more than she'd ever been in her life.

He didn't answer her again, and that, cruelly, was the beginning of the third and final blow. "How could you give us up? We worked so hard, so hard Nick! How could you just let it all dissolve now?" _This is the most important time in our life together_ she thought as she continued to stand in front of him. "You can't just forget about real life Nick!" The words were spilling out in what she felt were an incomprehensible jumble, and she wondered if she was wasting her breath.

Nick shrugged upon hearing her last sentence. He opened his mouth to speak, folding his arms across his chest. "Is anything real anymore? What's real?" he asked emotionlessly. He truly was unsure. Two sides of his brain were fighting tooth and nail against each other, trying to make him believe one side more than the other. He could not grapple properly with either, so began to tune out completely.

Tears streaming down her face she stepped towards him and yanked his arms away from his chest where they were folded tightly against his shirt. She pulled his hands towards her swollen stomach and placed them upon it. "This," she whispered harshly. "This is real." She stared with her last hope into his blank eyes.

But Nick barely acknowledged the feeling of their child beneath his hands and after a moment Jennifer shoved his hands back at him angrily and turned her back on him, stalking back out the front door.

I've become so numb

I can't feel you there

I've become so tired

So much more aware

I'm becoming this

All I want to do

Is be more like me

Matt was leaning against the passenger door of his car, having gotten out when he saw through the window the screaming match that was taking place inside, and stepped onto the grass when he saw Jennifer come back out the front door. He walked across the lawn and met her half way, catching her as she fell into his arms, distraught at Nick's reactions.

Matt helped her into the front seat where she sat back, resting her head against the headrest and closing her eyes, crying quietly. He softly closed the door and walked back across the lawn and into the house Jennifer and Nick shared. Once inside he walked right up to Nick, and grabbed his shoulder to turn him around, away from the window.

"You better fix this Nick!" Matt warned his former colleague. "Look at what a mess this all is! Look at what you've done to Jen! How could you treat her like this…anytime? But especially now? How bloody stupid are you?" Matt was mad for so many reasons. He still thought often of the kind of life he could've given Jennifer had she chosen him over Nick.

Nick nodded immediately in response. "I know," he replied quietly. "I know ok?" _No one will ever be able to understand what a failure I feel as a husband and father _Nick thought inside. "I know I don't deserve her. I know she should never have stuck by me through all of this. I know she didn't need to be as loyal as she has been. I don't know why on earth she's stayed."

"Because she loves you Nick," Matt retorted. "Do you not even realise that?"

"Of course I do," he whispered back. He looked out the window to where Jennifer sat crying in the front seat of Matt's car. He shook his head in amazement at her. "She's so strong," his voice barely audible. "So capable." He turned back to Matt. "When we first started talking about kids I already knew she'd be amazing at it. I knew she'd be the kind of woman who'd have it all under control, drive herself to the hospital and then just tell me when exactly I needed to show up."

Matt nodded, agreeing. "She can withstand anything, your wife." He joined Nick in his gaze back out to Jennifer.

"She really can," Nick said. "I don't know what I did to deserve her. I don't think I deserve her."

"After all this…no, you don't," Matt answered bluntly, uncaring if it sounded rude. "But she loves you in such a way that you better damn well hold onto her and treat her right. She deserves that."

Nick nodded as Matt walked back towards the front door. "Don't let her down Nick."


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 44 Take Me Home

Nick sat at home for the next day and a half feeling the pressure. His mind raced constantly as he slipped backwards and forwards between Euan and Nick, at times powerless to stop the overwhelming feeling of his character taking over every part of his mind and body, and at other times desperate to be regular old Nick Buchanan, detective, again. At those times he knew he was paranoid for his safety for good reason. He sat at home unable to relax, and glad Jennifer wasn't there. It felt like house arrest – he was essentially just waiting for someone to burst in and nab him the way they had Shay. If that did in fact happen he didn't want Jennifer anywhere near the place. But he steadfastly refused to move out of the house they had turned into a home together, no matter how much danger he was in. It was the number one place he loved being with Jen. It was the house they were going to bring their child home to.

As he waited for something to happen – to be raided again, to be asked for his badge, to be hauled into headquarters, to be thrown into a cell, to be caught unawares and killed just like Shay had been – he noted how bone chillingly terrified he was. _If I feel like this how must Jen be feeling? _She wouldn't be immune to it just because she wasn't undercover too_. If anything it's probably harder on her than it is me._ Matt was right.

Alone Nick thought back to how Jennifer had months ago warned him not to become consumed by his undercover assignment. He sighed, realising he had allowed exactly that to happen.

Alexandra Buchanan was born prematurely just three days later. As she fought for her life in a humidicrib, Nick fought with everything he had to prove his innocence to the investigating team – which was now made up of cops he was now incredibly weary of as he was unsure of who was straight and who was bent - who still relentlessly continued to questions Nick's true motives in his undercover assignment. Over a very short time, they managed to wear him down to such an extent, and gather enough men on the corrupt side of the game that they simply outnumbered the Tony Eastough's and Lee Brennan's of the Drug Squad, making Nick's original goal with his undercover assignment now impossible to achieve. They charged him and stood him down and he walked out of police headquarters without saying goodbye to anyone he knew.

When he held his daughter for the first time he made a promise to his family so deep and so heartfelt that he didn't need to even say it out loud to Jennifer – she just knew. Seeing Nick hold their tiny daughter in his huge arms and seeing the look on his face took Jennifer's breath away, and she knew then that they could make a start at rebuilding their lives and their marriage, putting their arguments and heartbreaking confrontations and regrets and disappointments behind them. But what she couldn't understand without explanation at first was how it had all ended. Speaking with him in the hospital, she sought answers to quell her worries.

Nick shook his head at her sadly, but determinedly. "What makes you think I can ever go back to police work Jen?" he asked softly, explaining the painfully disappointing end to his wife. "I can't. It's over. The bad guys won. And even if I could go back I don't think I'd want to anyway…" his voice drifted off as he held Alexandra and stared at his wife. "…not after everything that's happened." He felt so betrayed and used. More than that, he had lost complete faith in the force he had once admired and adored.

I've been waiting for this moment

For all my life

Jennifer nodded in silent understanding.

He smiled at last and spoke again. "At least I will never have to be away from you ever again," he said, his voice so grateful a choir of angels might as well have been signing his words. He was just relieved it was all over. He could go back to being Nick – the person he should've been all along – a husband, friend, and now, a father.

Just remember

You're the one thing that I can't get enough of

Nick began his own home renovation business just weeks after he and his little family made the move from Melbourne to Sydney to give Jennifer a chance to go back to policing after her maternity leave if she wanted to, and not have to be harangued by the people who still had it in for Nick in Melbourne. He allowed himself all the time he knew would never have been possible as a cop to spend with Jen and Alexandra, and two and a half years later, Tom Buchanan arrived naturally and on time to complete their family.

Nick thought often of and was still bitter about how flawed the squad he worked in had become and how much his loyalty to it had been abused. It was frightening how quickly it had all turned, and how even more quickly it had become irrepairable. He was thankful that Jennifer too had escaped it by moving to work at Homicide in a different state, away from squads rife with corruption and very little hope of it being overturned. He now separated himself from those thoughts though, trying not to dwell on the fact that he'd not been able to stop it and that those he suspected of murdering Shay and of putting him in the frame for the charges that ended his career, had gotten away with their lies and actions.

He promised himself one day that he would go to Shay's parents and tell them the real story so that they could move on and properly farewell a daughter taken from them much too early.

Song credits:

2 – Perfect, Vanessa Amorosi

3 – Lady in Red, Chris de Burgh

8 – Perfect, Vanessa Amorosi

10 – Take Me Home Country Roads, John Denver

13 – Amazing Grace, John Newton

13 – Only One I See, Evermore

17 – Your Song, Elton John

23 – She, Elvis Costello

26 – Bleeding Love, Leona Lewis

27 – Only Girl in The World, Rihanna

29 – The Curse Stops Here, The Whitlams

35 – In the End, Linkin Park

40 – Just Say Yes, Snow Patrol

42 – Rolling in the Deep, Adele

43 – Numb, Linkin Park

44 – In the Air Tonight, Phil Collins

44 – Time of My Life, Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes


End file.
